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How exactly "do I amuse you" XIV


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#1 jaded prol

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Posted 23 December 2010 - 04:02 AM

Beer Changing the World

http://macedoniaonli.../view/17081/48/
"Dragan climbed on the jumping board, told me to hold his beer and simply ran to jump. There was no time for me to react or to try to stop him, he just went for it" says Milovan. "Dragan jumped high and plunged down to the sea, but didn't make as much splash as we thought he would", explained Milovan. The reason could be because Dragan Stevic ended up jumping straight on the shark which was lurking near the beach, probably looking for its next victim. Dragan had nailed it right in the head, killing it instantly. The Egyptian police found the shark washed out on the beach that morning. Dragan was able to swim to the shore and told his friends he had twisted his ankle, telling them the water was not that soft. The water is soft buddy, you just landed on a shark. At the moment, the fearless hero is in a hospital recovering from alcohol poisoning. After Dragan gets well, he will get a chance to have some more drinks as the resort had awarded the Serb tourist with a free vacation for his heroic deed. // Pero Stamatovski
Drinking for medicinal reasons.

You may say I'm a drinker
but I'm not the only one.

#2 Bognoz

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Posted 23 December 2010 - 05:44 PM

Joseph: Hey Mary, what's this I heard about you having sex with God for money?

Mary: Oh, it's nothing. I was just trying to make a little prophet.
Pretty animal doesn't trust you,
unless you prepare a great hot chocolate.

#3 Bognoz

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Posted 23 December 2010 - 05:46 PM

Christmas. The magical time of year when you can scream "Ho, ho, ho" at slutty strangers and claim you were just "being festive".
Pretty animal doesn't trust you,
unless you prepare a great hot chocolate.

#4 G&C

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Posted 23 December 2010 - 09:51 PM

SMARTASS ANSWERS 2010


6th Place

It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:

'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.

'What are my choices?' the man asked.

'Yes or no,' she replied.





5th Place

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.

As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without blinking an eyelid she said,

'Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.'






4th Place

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury's but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a passing assistant, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'

The assistant replied, ' I'm afraid not, they're dead.'






3rd Place

The policeman got out of his car and approached the boy racer he stopped for speeding.

'I've been waiting for you all day,' the bobby said.

The kid replied, 'Yes, well I got here as fast as I could.'

When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.






2nd Place

A lorry driver was driving along on a country road.

A sign came up that read ' Low Bridge Ahead.'

Before he realized it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it.

Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up.

The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab

And said to the driver,

'Got stuck, eh?'

The lorry driver said, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol!'






SMART ARSE ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2010

A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.

'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.

I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family,
but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'


A smart-arsed guy at the back of the room raised his hand and asked,


'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'

The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,


'Well, I suppose you'd have to write with your other hand'.

"It never was about absinthe anyway" - artemis 1/16/2015


#5 artemis

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Posted 24 December 2010 - 11:35 AM

Joseph: Hey Mary, what's this I heard about you having sex with God for money?

Mary: Oh, it's nothing. I was just trying to make a little prophet.


In the quiet words of the Virgin Mary, "come again"?

Attached Files


Edited by artemis, 24 December 2010 - 11:41 AM.

You might be surprised how well old goat sausages are able to stand up to the heat.

#6 Bognoz

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Posted 01 January 2011 - 04:45 AM

In 1912 the world famous Austrian gynecologist Dr. Hermann Otto Kloepneckler MD, PhD published the following:

The best engine in the world is the vagina. It can be started with one finger. It is self-lubricating. It takes any size piston. And it changes its own oil every four weeks. It is only a pity that the management system is so fucking tempermental."
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#7 Bognoz

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Posted 01 January 2011 - 04:53 AM

A man and his friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes and bows his head in prayer. His friend says, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man." The other man replies, "Well, we were married for 35 years."
Pretty animal doesn't trust you,
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#8 G&C

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Posted 01 January 2011 - 09:43 AM

Butt, how'd she die?

"It never was about absinthe anyway" - artemis 1/16/2015


#9 Bognoz

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Posted 01 January 2011 - 10:38 PM

If you don't continue
changing the oil
an engine will seize.
Pretty animal doesn't trust you,
unless you prepare a great hot chocolate.

#10 Crosby

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Posted 01 January 2011 - 11:08 PM

God says to Adam, I've got good news and bad news. The good news is I'm bringing out pussy. The bad news is I'm putting women in charge of it.
C'est ma santé

“Never approach a bull from the front, a horse from the rear or a fool from any direction.”


#11 TheGreenOne

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Posted 27 January 2011 - 12:59 PM

...

Attached Files


shuck and jive is an important skill

 

I cannot play music on an infinite keyboard.


#12 G&C

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Posted 27 January 2011 - 04:01 PM

You're fired!

"It never was about absinthe anyway" - artemis 1/16/2015


#13 Bognoz

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Posted 28 January 2011 - 01:01 AM

Talk about taking a vehicle for a spin.
Pretty animal doesn't trust you,
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#14 Bognoz

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Posted 28 January 2011 - 01:02 AM

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick
of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."

The blind man replies, "If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up."
Pretty animal doesn't trust you,
unless you prepare a great hot chocolate.

#15 G&C

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Posted 04 February 2011 - 09:22 AM

Garage Door

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open.. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'
She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini-van with two flat tires..

Edited by G&C, 04 February 2011 - 09:22 AM.

"It never was about absinthe anyway" - artemis 1/16/2015


#16 G&C

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Posted 04 February 2011 - 09:23 AM

Two elderly gentlemen
from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'

Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'

'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'

'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

"It never was about absinthe anyway" - artemis 1/16/2015


#17 G&C

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Posted 04 February 2011 - 09:25 AM

A senior citizen
said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too w ell.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'

"It never was about absinthe anyway" - artemis 1/16/2015


#18 G&C

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Posted 04 February 2011 - 09:26 AM

Morris,
an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

"It never was about absinthe anyway" - artemis 1/16/2015


#19 G&C

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Posted 04 February 2011 - 09:26 AM

A little old man
shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

"It never was about absinthe anyway" - artemis 1/16/2015


#20 G&C

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Posted 04 February 2011 - 09:26 AM

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'

"It never was about absinthe anyway" - artemis 1/16/2015


#21 G&C

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Posted 11 February 2011 - 06:29 PM

...

Attached Files


"It never was about absinthe anyway" - artemis 1/16/2015


#22 Crosby

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Posted 11 February 2011 - 11:13 PM

:BL:
C'est ma santé

“Never approach a bull from the front, a horse from the rear or a fool from any direction.”


#23 jaded prol

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Posted 27 February 2011 - 06:57 AM

...

Attached Files


Drinking for medicinal reasons.

You may say I'm a drinker
but I'm not the only one.

#24 Kirk

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Posted 27 February 2011 - 07:24 AM

huhfreakinlarious.
Tool making Bi-Ped
http://www.absintheherbs.com

#25 GreyBoy2

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Posted 03 March 2011 - 06:49 PM


They're to keep out witches!

#26 GreyBoy2

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Posted 03 March 2011 - 06:52 PM

Of course she has a lawyer and they want to sue.
http://www.youtube.c...feature=related
They're to keep out witches!

#27 G&C

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Posted 07 March 2011 - 10:23 AM

There was a knock on the door this morning, I opened it

and there was a young man standing there who said:

"I'm a Jehovah's Witness".

I SAID "COME IN AND SIT DOWN, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT?"





HE SAID, "DARNED IF I KNOW! I'VE NEVER GOTTEN THIS FAR BEFORE."

Edited by G&C, 07 March 2011 - 10:23 AM.

"It never was about absinthe anyway" - artemis 1/16/2015


#28 Crosby

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Posted 10 March 2011 - 12:47 AM

...™

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C'est ma santé

“Never approach a bull from the front, a horse from the rear or a fool from any direction.”


#29 TheGreenOne

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Posted 18 March 2011 - 11:50 AM

...

Attached Files


shuck and jive is an important skill

 

I cannot play music on an infinite keyboard.


#30 G&C

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Posted 18 March 2011 - 12:01 PM

I hope we have that at the next Louche Fest!

"It never was about absinthe anyway" - artemis 1/16/2015


#31 TheGreenOne

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Posted 18 March 2011 - 12:51 PM

This is what we'll need at the next LoucheFest.

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  • Attached File  DPC.jpg   107.52K   0 downloads

shuck and jive is an important skill

 

I cannot play music on an infinite keyboard.


#32 TheGreenOne

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Posted 18 March 2011 - 12:52 PM

Abby wears one as a necklace.

shuck and jive is an important skill

 

I cannot play music on an infinite keyboard.


#33 G&C

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Posted 18 March 2011 - 02:39 PM

I'm sure she's not the only one.

"It never was about absinthe anyway" - artemis 1/16/2015


#34 A.B. Normal

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Posted 20 March 2011 - 02:10 PM

I'll have you know
I exercised extreme restraint this past week.
I'm pretty sure I didn't fall down once.
Nor did I fall from any trees, nor lose any pants.

Now, when another Lounger was here last month,
I may have thrown up in the Tropicana and lost my iPod,
but it had been a while since I'd seen one of you fuckers
so xit was bound to happen.
There's just too much time to kill between all my mistakes.

#35 jaded prol

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Posted 21 March 2011 - 03:11 AM

She Lives!
Drinking for medicinal reasons.

You may say I'm a drinker
but I'm not the only one.

#36 jaded prol

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Posted 21 March 2011 - 03:13 AM

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a larger farm for many years. He had a large pond near one corner of the farm. It was shaped right for swimming so he fixed it up with a deep end and picnic tables. He also had several apple trees and peach trees near by. One evening the old farmer decided to go down and see the pond; he had not been there for quite while. He grabbed a large bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond he heard laughter and giggles and shouts of glee. When he got closer he saw several young women skinny dipping in his pond. The man made his presence known to the women, and they all swam down to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted, "Go away old man! We are not getting out until you go away." The old man frowned and answered "I did not come here to watch you ladies swim naked in my pond or to make you get out." Then holding up the bucket he said, "I just came down here to feed the alligator."
Drinking for medicinal reasons.

You may say I'm a drinker
but I'm not the only one.

#37 sixela

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Posted 21 March 2011 - 06:57 AM

I'll have you know


Was thinking of you twice recently.

I saw Frankenstein Junior.

And then two days later my son asked who an Abby character was (from the lyrics of one of his accordeon songs), and whether she was famous.

I said that yes, she was famous (rightly so), said that she was living in Las Vegas, and said that her name was Abby Normal.

He then asked whether I knew her and how, and I said "sure I know her, she drinks absinthe". All without batting an eyelid (I was fixing up supper).

Got some puzzled looks from the wife, though.

#38 Crosby

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Posted 21 March 2011 - 11:52 PM

Was thinking of you twice recently.

:smutty:
C'est ma santé

“Never approach a bull from the front, a horse from the rear or a fool from any direction.”


#39 A.B. Normal

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Posted 22 March 2011 - 04:25 PM

Took me a minute to figure out
what 'Frankenstein Junior' was.
There's just too much time to kill between all my mistakes.

#40 G&C

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Posted 22 March 2011 - 05:07 PM

What hump?

"It never was about absinthe anyway" - artemis 1/16/2015


#41 A.B. Normal

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Posted 22 March 2011 - 06:19 PM

Just like the first day I logged into this place...
There's just too much time to kill between all my mistakes.

#42 TheGreenOne

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Posted 23 March 2011 - 06:36 AM

Back when you were a puppet.

shuck and jive is an important skill

 

I cannot play music on an infinite keyboard.


#43 G&C

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Posted 23 March 2011 - 06:40 AM

That was before my time.

You guys must be real old...

"It never was about absinthe anyway" - artemis 1/16/2015


#44 TheGreenOne

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Posted 23 March 2011 - 07:53 AM

Thanks for noticing.

shuck and jive is an important skill

 

I cannot play music on an infinite keyboard.


#45 G&C

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Posted 23 March 2011 - 08:11 AM

You're very welcome.

I do try.

"It never was about absinthe anyway" - artemis 1/16/2015


#46 G&C

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Posted 28 March 2011 - 06:54 PM

A Sheriff in a small town in Texas walks out in the street and sees a blond haired cowboy coming toward him with nothing on but his cowboy hat, his gun and his boots. He arrests him for indecent exposure.

As he is locking him up, he asks 'Why in the world are you walking around like this?'

The cowboy says, 'Well it's like this Sheriff...

I was in this bar down the road and this pretty little redhead asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did.

We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt…So I did.

Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants... So I did.

Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts....so I did.

Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town cowboy… '

'And here I am.'

Son of a Gun...Blonde Men do exist.

"It never was about absinthe anyway" - artemis 1/16/2015


#47 Bognoz

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Posted 28 March 2011 - 10:53 PM

Why didn't the two tampons speak to each other?
Pretty animal doesn't trust you,
unless you prepare a great hot chocolate.

#48 Bognoz

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Posted 28 March 2011 - 10:53 PM

They were both stuck up cunts.
Pretty animal doesn't trust you,
unless you prepare a great hot chocolate.

#49 Louched Liver

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Posted 29 March 2011 - 07:48 AM

*remains silent*
ENORMUS DICK

#50 Bognoz

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Posted 29 March 2011 - 09:21 AM

You
Pretty animal doesn't trust you,
unless you prepare a great hot chocolate.

#51 Bognoz

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Posted 29 March 2011 - 09:21 AM

fucking
Pretty animal doesn't trust you,
unless you prepare a great hot chocolate.

#52 Bognoz

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Posted 29 March 2011 - 09:22 AM

wish.
Pretty animal doesn't trust you,
unless you prepare a great hot chocolate.

#53 TheGreenOne

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Posted 29 March 2011 - 09:45 AM

His last fucking wish didn't turn out too well.

shuck and jive is an important skill

 

I cannot play music on an infinite keyboard.


#54 G&C

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Posted 29 March 2011 - 09:52 AM

:ohsnap:

"It never was about absinthe anyway" - artemis 1/16/2015


#55 Louched Liver

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Posted 29 March 2011 - 10:29 AM

But, I've snapped back.
New gf, new job, no crazy xit.
ENORMUS DICK

#56 Bognoz

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Posted 29 March 2011 - 10:38 AM

Them last werdz
are xure to be
famous.
Pretty animal doesn't trust you,
unless you prepare a great hot chocolate.

#57 Absomphe

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Posted 29 March 2011 - 11:36 AM

Sounds like he joined one of those creepy cults.
To the bar, for flaming Hills enemas!

#58 Louched Liver

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Posted 29 March 2011 - 07:48 PM

I AM a creepy cult.
ENORMUS DICK

#59 A.B. Normal

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Posted 03 April 2011 - 08:33 PM

Oh, how I do miss Arizona...

http://brownandlittl...iff-paul-babeu/
There's just too much time to kill between all my mistakes.

#60 G&C

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Posted 04 April 2011 - 12:54 AM

Sheriff Joe...

"It never was about absinthe anyway" - artemis 1/16/2015


#61 G&C

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Posted 04 April 2011 - 12:55 AM

:clanks:

Edited by G&C, 04 April 2011 - 12:56 AM.

"It never was about absinthe anyway" - artemis 1/16/2015


#62 Bognoz

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Posted 04 April 2011 - 01:35 AM

???

Posted Image
Pretty animal doesn't trust you,
unless you prepare a great hot chocolate.

#63 Bognoz

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Posted 04 April 2011 - 01:45 AM

"You in a heap o' trouble, boy."
Pretty animal doesn't trust you,
unless you prepare a great hot chocolate.

#64 TheGreenOne

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Posted 04 April 2011 - 07:33 AM

Sheriff Joe could play Vegas.

Unless he become YouKnightedStates Senator.
http://www.rollcall....s-203372-1.html

shuck and jive is an important skill

 

I cannot play music on an infinite keyboard.


#65 A.B. Normal

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Posted 04 April 2011 - 10:20 AM

Nevada and Arizona are running neck and neck in the race to Crazytown.
There's just too much time to kill between all my mistakes.

#66 TheGreenOne

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Posted 04 April 2011 - 10:25 AM

Nope. Come back to DC.

We win.

shuck and jive is an important skill

 

I cannot play music on an infinite keyboard.


#67 G&C

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Posted 04 April 2011 - 10:26 AM

Hands down.

"It never was about absinthe anyway" - artemis 1/16/2015


#68 A.B. Normal

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Posted 04 April 2011 - 10:33 AM

Win.
Place.
Show.
There's just too much time to kill between all my mistakes.

#69 TheGreenOne

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Posted 04 April 2011 - 11:01 AM

It keeps me busy.

shuck and jive is an important skill

 

I cannot play music on an infinite keyboard.


#70 Crosby

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Posted 04 April 2011 - 07:22 PM

Abby needs to get this:

Attached Files


C'est ma santé

“Never approach a bull from the front, a horse from the rear or a fool from any direction.”


#71 A.B. Normal

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Posted 04 April 2011 - 07:31 PM

The drive through Tonopah wasn't enough to hold you for a while?
There's just too much time to kill between all my mistakes.

#72 Bognoz

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Posted 04 April 2011 - 10:18 PM

Drivin' the back roads
so you wdn't get weighed?
Pretty animal doesn't trust you,
unless you prepare a great hot chocolate.

#73 A.B. Normal

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Posted 04 April 2011 - 10:57 PM

Illegals + cocaine + junk in my trunk
There's just too much time to kill between all my mistakes.

#74 Bognoz

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Posted 04 April 2011 - 11:30 PM

Yeah, I know, drunk
and dirty and yr still
willin'.

Thank goodness.
Pretty animal doesn't trust you,
unless you prepare a great hot chocolate.

#75 A.B. Normal

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Posted 04 April 2011 - 11:51 PM

I'm a Real Life Lounge wimmin.
You expect less?
There's just too much time to kill between all my mistakes.

#76 artemis

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Posted 05 April 2011 - 02:51 PM

It keeps me bushy.


Must be good stuff.
You might be surprised how well old goat sausages are able to stand up to the heat.

#77 Stroller

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Posted 14 April 2011 - 07:28 PM


"Life is tough; it's tougher when you're stupid."

#78 G&C

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Posted 15 April 2011 - 07:24 AM

Emma Sue died during the night, and her husband Buddy called 911.
The 911 operator told Buddy that she would send someone out right away.
"Where do you live?" asked the operator.
Buddy replied, "Out at the end of Eucalyptus Road."

The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"

There was a long pause and finally Buddy said,

"How 'bout if I just drag her over to Oak Street."

"It never was about absinthe anyway" - artemis 1/16/2015


#79 Stroller

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Posted 15 April 2011 - 09:08 PM


"Life is tough; it's tougher when you're stupid."

#80 jaded prol

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Posted 26 April 2011 - 05:49 AM

Jack will need these for Prockfest™!

Drinking for medicinal reasons.

You may say I'm a drinker
but I'm not the only one.

#81 Bognoz

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Posted 26 April 2011 - 06:36 AM

I bet the TSA agents
wood love to examine a pair.

Those boots too.
Pretty animal doesn't trust you,
unless you prepare a great hot chocolate.

#82 G&C

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Posted 26 April 2011 - 06:52 AM

I think I saw a pair of those in his closet.

"It never was about absinthe anyway" - artemis 1/16/2015


#83 Kirk

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Posted 26 April 2011 - 05:27 PM

They need cable.
Tool making Bi-Ped
http://www.absintheherbs.com

#84 artemis

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Posted 26 April 2011 - 05:33 PM

Puts me in mind of Pasteur's wife, killing roaches all day with a boot on each hand.

Or Tito & Tarantula.
You might be surprised how well old goat sausages are able to stand up to the heat.

#85 jaded prol

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Posted 27 April 2011 - 04:18 AM

They need cable.

You don't appreciate homegrown culture?
Drinking for medicinal reasons.

You may say I'm a drinker
but I'm not the only one.

#86 Kirk

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Posted 27 April 2011 - 04:56 AM

I have to.
Tool making Bi-Ped
http://www.absintheherbs.com

#87 Bognoz

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Posted 27 April 2011 - 06:19 AM

I have two.
Pretty animal doesn't trust you,
unless you prepare a great hot chocolate.

#88 G&C

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Posted 27 April 2011 - 06:33 AM

I half two.

"It never was about absinthe anyway" - artemis 1/16/2015


#89 Louched Liver

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Posted 27 April 2011 - 08:23 AM

I have, too.
ENORMUS DICK

#90 A.B. Normal

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Posted 27 April 2011 - 10:38 AM

Guns, reality TV and a street called Vigilante.

http://m.ktnv.com/de.....type=rssstory
There's just too much time to kill between all my mistakes.

#91 jaded prol

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Posted 27 April 2011 - 10:41 AM

Too bad he's not a better xot.
Drinking for medicinal reasons.

You may say I'm a drinker
but I'm not the only one.

#92 TheGreenOne

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Posted 27 April 2011 - 10:43 AM

Now you'll have to find a new drinking buddy.

Maybe you need a virtual one, it won't bum ciggies off you. http://www.virtualdr...gbuddy.com/vdb/

shuck and jive is an important skill

 

I cannot play music on an infinite keyboard.


#93 jaded prol

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Posted 27 April 2011 - 10:49 AM

Thanx!
Drinking for medicinal reasons.

You may say I'm a drinker
but I'm not the only one.

#94 A.B. Normal

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Posted 27 April 2011 - 11:22 AM

Um, ha.

http://www.telegraph...erformance.html
There's just too much time to kill between all my mistakes.

#95 DrinkSlinger

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Posted 28 April 2011 - 12:31 AM

HE got kinda boring after 5 shots.
for some people, there's money in absinthe. And for some, there's only absinthe in absinthe.
.

#96 Bognoz

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Posted 28 April 2011 - 01:11 AM

I thought his ghost
story got betterer
and betterer.
Pretty animal doesn't trust you,
unless you prepare a great hot chocolate.

#97 Bognoz

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Posted 28 April 2011 - 01:12 AM

And a clean glass
when ever you want.
Pretty animal doesn't trust you,
unless you prepare a great hot chocolate.

#98 Crosby

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Posted 06 May 2011 - 03:29 PM

...™

Attached Files


C'est ma santé

“Never approach a bull from the front, a horse from the rear or a fool from any direction.”


#99 Bognoz

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Posted 11 May 2011 - 10:30 PM

A man and a woman who had never met each other before, and were each married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Although initially embarrassed and uneasy about sharing a sleeping room, they were both tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth, she in the lower.

Sometime in the middle of the night the mean leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "Uh, ma'am? I'm sorry to bother you but would you mind reaching into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that you and I are married."

"Wow. Do you mean it? That's a great idea," he said, thoroughly surprised by her answer.

"Good," she replied in a soothing, sultry voice, before adding, "Then get your own fucking blanket!"

After a moment of silence, he farted.

The End.
Pretty animal doesn't trust you,
unless you prepare a great hot chocolate.

#100 Bognoz

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Posted 12 May 2011 - 10:45 PM

Before sex you help each other to get nekkid.
After sex you only dress yrself.

In life no one helps you once yr fucked.
Pretty animal doesn't trust you,
unless you prepare a great hot chocolate.

#101 Louched Liver

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Posted 13 May 2011 - 06:46 AM

Like when you take it up
the ass it's just another
day, or a really good
night.
ENORMUS DICK

#102 G&C

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Posted 14 May 2011 - 07:15 PM

Attached Files


"It never was about absinthe anyway" - artemis 1/16/2015


#103 Stroller

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Posted 16 May 2011 - 05:04 PM

Learn engrish the using the Boggy method.
"Life is tough; it's tougher when you're stupid."

#104 Bognoz

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Posted 16 May 2011 - 10:17 PM

Now Bezerra has seen a doctor, and she's medicated, so she doesn't need to jill off as often. But she still needs to. And she had to take her employer to court in order to be allowed to masturbate during the workday. A few weeks ago she won her case, which means she can reach orgasm at work as often as she requires — and use her work computer to look at porn.


http://jezebel.com/5...turbate-at-work
Pretty animal doesn't trust you,
unless you prepare a great hot chocolate.

#105 Bognoz

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Posted 16 May 2011 - 10:20 PM

Mebbe that's no joke.

Butt I can't imagine why
Dinky was denying her
her medical rights.

Smuttty woodn't ta.
Pretty animal doesn't trust you,
unless you prepare a great hot chocolate.

#106 Bognoz

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Posted 16 May 2011 - 10:22 PM

This certainly ain't no joke.

Posted Image
Pretty animal doesn't trust you,
unless you prepare a great hot chocolate.

#107 Kirk

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Posted 17 May 2011 - 05:07 AM

Now that's justice.
Tool making Bi-Ped
http://www.absintheherbs.com

#108 Louched Liver

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Posted 17 May 2011 - 05:54 AM

Busted Bones for Boneheads.
ENORMUS DICK

#109 G&C

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Posted 17 May 2011 - 06:20 AM

It's too bad those Jar Heads couldn't have broken his fall.

"It never was about absinthe anyway" - artemis 1/16/2015


#110 Bognoz

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Posted 17 May 2011 - 07:03 AM

Prolly the only guy
who can fall
harder than Wogger.
Pretty animal doesn't trust you,
unless you prepare a great hot chocolate.

#111 Louched Liver

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Posted 17 May 2011 - 07:38 AM

Just not as far.
ENORMUS DICK

#112 Bognoz

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Posted 17 May 2011 - 09:35 AM

Quantity is not a substitute.
Pretty animal doesn't trust you,
unless you prepare a great hot chocolate.

#113 A.B. Normal

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Posted 17 May 2011 - 11:36 AM

It seems nature will allow me
either physical or mental balance.
Can't have both simultaneously.
There's just too much time to kill between all my mistakes.

#114 TheGreenOne

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Posted 17 May 2011 - 12:18 PM

Your balances are imbalanced?

shuck and jive is an important skill

 

I cannot play music on an infinite keyboard.


#115 Louched Liver

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Posted 17 May 2011 - 01:39 PM

Tipsy turvy.
ENORMUS DICK

#116 Bognoz

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Posted 17 May 2011 - 11:42 PM

Prolly been rekalibraked
too many times.
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unless you prepare a great hot chocolate.

#117 G&C

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Posted 18 May 2011 - 06:05 AM

Are you saying that balance has a worn pivot?

"It never was about absinthe anyway" - artemis 1/16/2015


#118 sixela

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Posted 20 May 2011 - 02:59 PM

Bad for the altitude bearing, that.

#119 Louched Liver

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Posted 20 May 2011 - 03:33 PM

This has always been a place to crash+burn.
ENORMUS DICK

#120 Absinthe_1900

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Posted 20 May 2011 - 07:29 PM

Countdown

Attached Files


Remember, an armed TXLF is a polite TXLF

#121 Crosby

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Posted 20 May 2011 - 09:41 PM

Fuck, wouldn't that be a sight.
C'est ma santé

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#122 G&C

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Posted 21 May 2011 - 05:21 AM

I think I saw that on an episode of Taboo.

"It never was about absinthe anyway" - artemis 1/16/2015


#123 Absinthe_1900

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Posted 21 May 2011 - 06:19 AM

99 Luft balloondolls.
Remember, an armed TXLF is a polite TXLF

#124 G&C

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Posted 21 May 2011 - 06:53 AM

I remember now.

It was about a guy that married his doll...

"It never was about absinthe anyway" - artemis 1/16/2015


#125 Louched Liver

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Posted 21 May 2011 - 07:24 AM

That guy who says lots of stupid shit, then says-"Bro" after to make it ok. and the Real Girl?

Good movie, actually.
ENORMUS DICK

#126 artemis

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Posted 21 May 2011 - 08:45 AM


You might be surprised how well old goat sausages are able to stand up to the heat.

#127 Stroller

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Posted 22 May 2011 - 07:17 AM


"Life is tough; it's tougher when you're stupid."

#128 Stroller

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Posted 26 May 2011 - 05:41 AM


"Life is tough; it's tougher when you're stupid."

#129 Bognoz

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Posted 26 May 2011 - 11:05 PM

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin.

Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.

The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.'
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#130 G&C

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Posted 27 May 2011 - 07:53 AM

...

Attached Files


"It never was about absinthe anyway" - artemis 1/16/2015


#131 Louched Liver

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Posted 27 May 2011 - 08:11 AM

Bravo!!
ENORMUS DICK

#132 A.B. Normal

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Posted 27 May 2011 - 02:54 PM

Horse Herpes Outbreak Forces Rodeo Queens to Ride Stick Ponies

http://www.ksl.com/i...48&sid=15716018
There's just too much time to kill between all my mistakes.

#133 Absomphe

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Posted 27 May 2011 - 03:01 PM

You can't make this shit up!™


To the bar, for flaming Hills enemas!

#134 Louched Liver

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Posted 27 May 2011 - 05:42 PM

Like you quoting him quoting me.
ENORMUS DICK

#135 Absomphe

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Posted 27 May 2011 - 06:00 PM

Musta exceeded my quota.
To the bar, for flaming Hills enemas!

#136 Louched Liver

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Posted 28 May 2011 - 07:55 AM

How quotidian.
ENORMUS DICK

#137 eric

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Posted 28 May 2011 - 11:24 AM

http://cgi.ebay.co.u...id=235836131165
What would I do?

#138 Stroller

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Posted 28 May 2011 - 11:47 AM

Ha!
"Life is tough; it's tougher when you're stupid."

#139 TheGreenOne

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Posted 01 June 2011 - 01:28 PM

File under things not to say out loud.

Thin walls, loud talk lead to wanted motel guest's arrest

A man wanted on two open warrants was arrested Tuesday in Maryland after he gave himself away during a heated conversation in a motel room with thin walls.

Wicomico County Sheriff’s Office says patrons at the Traveler’s Motel in Delmar called police after they heard 32-year-old Richard Vermalyea admit during a loud phone conversation that he was wanted by authorities in Cecil County.

Motel guests staying in adjacent rooms called police with a noise complaint. They reported hearing Vermalyea’s conversation through the motel’s walls and it disturbed them.

A deputy went to the room and learned the warrants were for failure to appear in a felony theft case and for violation of probation in another felony theft case.

Vermalyea was taken into custody and ordered held on $10,000 bond each on the two warrants, pending transfer to Cecil County.


shuck and jive is an important skill

 

I cannot play music on an infinite keyboard.


#140 Louched Liver

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Posted 01 June 2011 - 02:02 PM

You don't say...
ENORMUS DICK

#141 G&C

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Posted 01 June 2011 - 04:26 PM

He did.

"It never was about absinthe anyway" - artemis 1/16/2015


#142 jaded prol

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Posted 07 June 2011 - 08:31 AM

An old guy, and not in the best of shape.... Was working out in the gym when he spotted a sexy and beautiful young woman. He asked the nearby trainer, "What machine should I use in here to impress that cute young thing over there?" The trainer looked him up and down and said, "I'd try the ATM machine downstairs."
Drinking for medicinal reasons.

You may say I'm a drinker
but I'm not the only one.

#143 Louched Liver

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Posted 07 June 2011 - 11:03 AM

How much did you withdraw?
ENORMUS DICK

#144 Bognoz

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Posted 07 June 2011 - 11:15 AM

He never got inserted
so his whooone eeench
wuz left high and dry.
Pretty animal doesn't trust you,
unless you prepare a great hot chocolate.

#145 Bognoz

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Posted 07 June 2011 - 11:17 AM

Ken I git a whistle
for the limp-armed rubber-dick?
Pretty animal doesn't trust you,
unless you prepare a great hot chocolate.

#146 Bognoz

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Posted 07 June 2011 - 11:18 AM

Rubber-armed
limp dick.

Twwweeeewwwooooo
Pretty animal doesn't trust you,
unless you prepare a great hot chocolate.

#147 G&C

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Posted 07 June 2011 - 11:45 AM

If you weren't so impressed with yourself, no one would be.

"It never was about absinthe anyway" - artemis 1/16/2015


#148 Bognoz

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Posted 07 June 2011 - 12:01 PM

Fuck you. I got the best
marketing teen in the bizness.

He woodn't take a towel
to yr hessian balz
iffen they were drippin'
doupel goaled gin.
Pretty animal doesn't trust you,
unless you prepare a great hot chocolate.

#149 G&C

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Posted 07 June 2011 - 12:23 PM

Fuck wad.
Least I've got my balls covered.


Why is it you can't attack me without adding the booze to it?


Attack me all day long if you must...

Butt no imagination.
Just the same old boring shit.
Go figure.

"It never was about absinthe anyway" - artemis 1/16/2015


#150 Bognoz

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Posted 07 June 2011 - 12:35 PM

I'd bye it
if it wood help sales.

Butt I cunt.
Pretty animal doesn't trust you,
unless you prepare a great hot chocolate.

#151 Absomphe

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Posted 07 June 2011 - 01:06 PM

Seconded on that last bit.
To the bar, for flaming Hills enemas!

#152 TheGreenOne

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Posted 08 June 2011 - 02:28 PM

Man with dead weasel accused of assault

HOQUIAM, Wash. (AP) — Police say a man was carrying a dead weasel when he burst into an apartment and assaulted a man in Washington state.

The victim asked, "Why are you carrying a weasel?" Police said the attacker answered, "It's not a weasel, it's a marten," then punched him in the nose and fled.

The attacker was apparently looking for his girlfriend and had gone to her former boyfriend's apartment Monday where the victim was a guest.

KXRO reports he left the carcass behind.

Police later found the 33-year-old Hoquiam man arguing with his girlfriend at another location and arrested him after a fight.

He said he had found the marten dead near Hoquiam, but police don't know why he carried it with him.

A marten is a member of the weasel family.


shuck and jive is an important skill

 

I cannot play music on an infinite keyboard.


#153 sixela

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Posted 09 June 2011 - 01:42 AM

No, the taxonomy nazi wasn't me. I'd have explained that Weasel Just Won't Do because the Mustelinae subfamily is polyphyletic, before punching him in the nose to enhance the educational effect.

I object to the term "weasel family" for the Mustelinae, by the way. That journalist also needs a punch in the nose, administered by an American badger (which is notoriously ill-tempered when called a weasel).

Edited by sixela, 09 June 2011 - 01:44 AM.


#154 Bognoz

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Posted 09 June 2011 - 02:17 AM

A Mother of Invention
you are not.

Rzzzzzzzzz
Pretty animal doesn't trust you,
unless you prepare a great hot chocolate.

#155 Kirk

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    Have a theory.

Posted 09 June 2011 - 05:20 AM

Martins look like they are swimming when they run, undulating up and down, it's a beautiful sight. Weasels tend to dart and wiggle back and forth.
Tool making Bi-Ped
http://www.absintheherbs.com

#156 Louched Liver

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Posted 09 June 2011 - 07:27 AM

Leave it to you to ferret out that answer.
ENORMUS DICK

#157 G&C

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Posted 10 June 2011 - 04:47 PM

Pull up a ...

Attached Files


"It never was about absinthe anyway" - artemis 1/16/2015


#158 artemis

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Posted 10 June 2011 - 05:45 PM

Weasel words and ferret phrases.

Are you happy to see me, or is that just a mink in your codpiece?
You might be surprised how well old goat sausages are able to stand up to the heat.

#159 sixela

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Posted 11 June 2011 - 01:39 PM

What do you mean, A European or an American mink?

Posted Image

#160 TheGreenOne

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Posted 19 July 2011 - 08:49 AM

Crime-Fighting Chihuahua Stops Armed Robbers
http://news.yahoo.co...s-25970432.html

shuck and jive is an important skill

 

I cannot play music on an infinite keyboard.


#161 G&C

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Posted 19 July 2011 - 11:49 AM

Slow news day...

"It never was about absinthe anyway" - artemis 1/16/2015


#162 TheGreenOne

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Posted 19 July 2011 - 12:32 PM

It's too hot for anything else.

shuck and jive is an important skill

 

I cannot play music on an infinite keyboard.


#163 G&C

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Posted 19 July 2011 - 12:48 PM

Not here.

"It never was about absinthe anyway" - artemis 1/16/2015


#164 Absomphe

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Posted 19 July 2011 - 02:41 PM

It's very windy here today.

Cum to think of it, that sounds like the news.
To the bar, for flaming Hills enemas!

#165 TheGreenOne

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Posted 19 July 2011 - 03:01 PM

All the wind here is hot air.

shuck and jive is an important skill

 

I cannot play music on an infinite keyboard.


#166 TheGreenOne

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Posted 25 July 2011 - 07:10 AM

...

Attached Files


shuck and jive is an important skill

 

I cannot play music on an infinite keyboard.


#167 TheGreenOne

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Posted 12 August 2011 - 01:35 PM

How close to a train track can you set up a vegetable market?
http://www.wimp.com/vegetablemarket/

shuck and jive is an important skill

 

I cannot play music on an infinite keyboard.


#168 Absinthe_1900

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Posted 23 August 2011 - 12:23 PM

http://www.wkrn.com/...to-i-65s-closed

NASHVILLE, Tenn. – Canisters of bull semen caused quite a scare on the on-ramp to Interstate 65 South Tuesday morning.

The canisters fell off a Greyhound bus just after 5 a.m. as the bus traveled around the curve of the ramp just south of downtown Nashville.

Fire and emergency crews were called to the scene amid reports of a foul odor.

When they discovered four unmarked canisters with steam and an unpleasant odor coming from them, they shut down the on-ramp and called HAZMAT crews.

Officials traced the containers to Greyhound after finding bus tickets on the ground. The bus did not know it lost its load and had continued on
Remember, an armed TXLF is a polite TXLF

#169 Crosby

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Posted 24 August 2011 - 09:33 PM

Lost its load. :BL:
C'est ma santé

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#170 GreyBoy2

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Posted 25 August 2011 - 01:44 PM

The reporter deserves an award for that line.
They're to keep out witches!

#171 Absomphe

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Posted 25 August 2011 - 01:59 PM

I'm even more impressed that a reporter for a Nashville paper didn't slap an inappropriate apostrophe on 'its'.
To the bar, for flaming Hills enemas!

#172 sixela

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Posted 26 August 2011 - 12:09 PM

Lost its load. :BL:

Just imagine how many breast cancers that could prevent.

#173 Absinthe_1900

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Posted 07 September 2011 - 03:56 PM

http://losangeles.cb...diego-7-eleven/

Gumby Botches Robbery Of San Diego 7-Eleven
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#174 G&C

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Posted 07 September 2011 - 05:16 PM

Proving once again, Pokey is the real bad ass.

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#175 Bognoz

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Posted 07 September 2011 - 10:02 PM

???

Posted Image
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unless you prepare a great hot chocolate.

#176 Absinthe_1900

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Posted 15 September 2011 - 07:51 PM

Gordon Ramsay dwarf double found 'eaten'
A dwarf porn star who was a dead ringer for celebrity chef Gordon Ramsay has been found dead in a badger's den in the UK, according to tabloid reports.

http://www.skynews.c.......662353&vId=
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#177 Bognoz

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Posted 15 September 2011 - 08:55 PM

Fucking Ae.

Prolly thot it wuz
a wabbit hole.
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#178 Bognoz

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Posted 15 September 2011 - 08:56 PM

...mebbe a beaver den.
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#179 G&C

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Posted 02 December 2011 - 04:50 PM

Why men shouldn't take phone messages?

Attached Files


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#180 G&C

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Posted 03 December 2011 - 10:52 PM

The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the United States 'Capital this Christmas season.

This isn't for any religious reason. They simply have not been able to find three Wise Men in the Nation's Capitol.

A search for a Virgin continues.

There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.

Edited by G&C, 03 December 2011 - 10:52 PM.

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#181 Bognoz

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Posted 05 December 2011 - 11:27 PM

Try not to laugh.

http://damnyouautoco...acs-first-year/
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#182 Crosby

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Posted 07 December 2011 - 10:50 PM

...™

Attached Files


C'est ma santé

“Never approach a bull from the front, a horse from the rear or a fool from any direction.”


#183 G&C

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Posted 09 December 2011 - 08:25 AM

One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit; this stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out at heaven knows where. More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink.

In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffeepot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made of. Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the tree.

"It never was about absinthe anyway" - artemis 1/16/2015


#184 G&C

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Posted 17 December 2011 - 04:41 PM

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the
biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on.

I said
"You're pulling my leg."

"It never was about absinthe anyway" - artemis 1/16/2015


#185 Kirk

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Posted 17 December 2011 - 07:46 PM

I screwed a crossed eye girl once and she thanked me twice!
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