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How exactly "do I amuse you" XV


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#1 Crosby

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Posted 31 December 2011 - 03:36 PM

...™
C'est ma santé

“Never approach a bull from the front, a horse from the rear or a fool from any direction.”


#2 TheGreenOne

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Posted 04 January 2012 - 11:19 AM

Hobo Phone Sex

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#3 G&C

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Posted 04 January 2012 - 02:26 PM

I must be missing a plug in...

"It never was about absinthe anyway" - artemis 1/16/2015


#4 Bognoz

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Posted 11 January 2012 - 08:38 PM


Pretty animal doesn't trust you,
unless you prepare a great hot chocolate.

#5 artemis

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Posted 12 January 2012 - 08:45 PM

I must be missing a plug in...


You can buy that shit off the Internets these days. They'll mail in a plain brown wrapper so not even the Post Office will know.
You might be surprised how well old goat sausages are able to stand up to the heat.

#6 TheGreenOne

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Posted 19 January 2012 - 08:32 AM

Pair Busted For Flaming Tampon Attack On Car

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#7 jaded prol

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Posted 19 January 2012 - 09:16 AM

http://www.wral.com/...story/10576599/
Drinking for medicinal reasons.

You may say I'm a drinker
but I'm not the only one.

#8 G&C

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Posted 19 January 2012 - 09:19 AM

Is he selling the pups?

"It never was about absinthe anyway" - artemis 1/16/2015


#9 Bognoz

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Posted 25 January 2012 - 12:32 AM

Sixer's new favorite airline.


Pretty animal doesn't trust you,
unless you prepare a great hot chocolate.

#10 G&C

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Posted 27 January 2012 - 08:09 PM

At the regular Saturday morning service, the rabbi announced that he was planning to leave for a larger congregation that would pay him more.

There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave because he is so popular. Fred Silverstein, who owns several car dealerships in Newton and Brookline , stands up and proclaims "If the rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!"

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Saul Cohen, a successful businessman and lawyer, stands and says, "If the rabbi will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee a free college education for his children!"

More sighs and loud applause.

Estelle Rubin, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the rabbi stays, I will give him sex!" There is total silence.
The rabbi, blushing, asks her: "Mrs. Rubin, you're a wonderful and holy lady. Whatever possessed you to say that?"

Estelle's 90-year old husband, Abe, is now trying to hide, holding his
forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies: "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, "Fuck him."

"It never was about absinthe anyway" - artemis 1/16/2015


#11 TheGreenOne

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Posted 30 January 2012 - 10:14 AM

...

Attached Files


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#12 DrinkSlinger

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Posted 31 January 2012 - 10:13 AM

I never really liked The Rolling Stones.

for some people, there's money in absinthe. And for some, there's only absinthe in absinthe.
.

#13 TheGreenOne

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Posted 31 January 2012 - 12:12 PM

Then piss on them.

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#14 Bognoz

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Posted 31 January 2012 - 01:14 PM

Golden.
Pretty animal doesn't trust you,
unless you prepare a great hot chocolate.

#15 TheGreenOne

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Posted 31 January 2012 - 03:40 PM

Oldies.

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#16 G&C

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Posted 31 January 2012 - 06:21 PM

moldie oldies...

"It never was about absinthe anyway" - artemis 1/16/2015


#17 Bognoz

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Posted 31 January 2012 - 11:24 PM

Piss'll kill
fun guy.
Pretty animal doesn't trust you,
unless you prepare a great hot chocolate.

#18 TheGreenOne

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Posted 02 February 2012 - 06:31 PM

Piss'll kill


Let's leave your old band out of this.

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#19 Bognoz

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Posted 03 February 2012 - 01:17 AM

An homage to
Keith Richard's
output.
Pretty animal doesn't trust you,
unless you prepare a great hot chocolate.

#20 G&C

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Posted 04 February 2012 - 08:57 PM

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'

Michael said: 'Just a minute, I have to go pee.'

The teacher responded by saying: 'That would be rude and impolite.' 'What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'

Sherman said: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.'

'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say 'bathroom' at the dinner table.' 'And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'

'I would say 'Darling, may I be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very good friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner'.'





The teacher fainted.

"It never was about absinthe anyway" - artemis 1/16/2015


#21 G&C

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Posted 05 February 2012 - 09:47 AM

A BBC TV journalist is interviewing a elderly former Polish fighter pilot.

Interviewer: So Mr Stanczewski, I understand that in 1943 you shot down five German aircraft in a single engagement. Could you tell us what happened?

Polish Fighter Pilot: Well we were flying at 20,000 feet when we spotted five Fokkers flying along below us. So we dived down and I aimed at one of the Fokkers and fired a burst from my machine guns right into him and he exploded. Then I saw that one of the Fokkers was on my tail, so I pulled round in a loop and got behind him, and fired and he went down on fire. I looked around and saw two Fokkers attacking my squadron leader, so slipped in behind them, and fired, and that was another Fokker going down in flames. The other Fokker tried to get away from me, but I got right up behind him, and blasted him with my machine guns and turned over and exploded. There was only one of the Fokkers left now, and he was trying to get away, but I flew up behind him, shot - bang, bang, bang - and he blew up too!

Interviewer: I should point out for the benefit of the viewers at home, that the Fokker was a type of German aircraft used in the war.

Polish Fighter Pilot: No, no, no - these fokkers were Messerschmitts!

"It never was about absinthe anyway" - artemis 1/16/2015


#22 G&C

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Posted 06 February 2012 - 07:00 PM

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise.
Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced. "Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain."
We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom... "Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, "I'm Tom Smith."
The entire congregation held its breath.

"I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."

"It never was about absinthe anyway" - artemis 1/16/2015


#23 G&C

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Posted 06 February 2012 - 07:01 PM

My wife and I walked past a swanky new restaurant last night.

"Did you smell that food?" she asked. "Incredible!"

Being the nice guy I am, I thought, "What the heck, I'll treat her!"



So we walked past it again.

"It never was about absinthe anyway" - artemis 1/16/2015


#24 G&C

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Posted 07 February 2012 - 09:56 AM

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#25 G&C

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Posted 07 February 2012 - 09:59 AM

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#26 G&C

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Posted 07 February 2012 - 10:01 AM

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#27 G&C

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Posted 07 February 2012 - 10:04 AM

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#28 TheGreenOne

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Posted 07 February 2012 - 01:50 PM

Iowa Police Seek Public's Help In Armed Robbery Of $250 "Mega Masturbator"

Posted Image

In a bid to capture the armed robber who last month stole a $250 sex doll from an Iowa City adult store, police today released a surveillance photo showing the suspect making off with the item.

Seen above, the image shows the ski mask-clad man carrying the sex doll inside the Romantix Pleasure Palace shop at around 3 AM on January 12.
Before releasing the store surveillance photo, cops pixelated it to obscure explicit images on the box of the “Fuck Me Silly #1” model “mega Posted Imagemasturbator.” As previously reported, the stolen 20-pound sex doll is described by its manufacturer as “the most realistic piece of ass you ever fucked...Slap that big round ass and listen to the whack...it sounds and feels just like a real ass!”

According to police, the robber displayed a large hunting knife to a Romantix employee before leaving with the sex doll (the box for which is seen above). Cops described the suspect as a “white male, approximately 5'8" - 5'10", 165 lbs.”

In return for information leading to the man’s arrest, Iowa City Area CrimeStoppers is offering an award of up to $1000.

shuck and jive is an important skill

 

I cannot play music on an infinite keyboard.


#29 G&C

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Posted 07 February 2012 - 03:52 PM

Good thing I wore that ski mask!

"It never was about absinthe anyway" - artemis 1/16/2015


#30 artemis

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Posted 07 February 2012 - 05:22 PM

There once was a hermit named Dave
Who kept a dead whore in his cave
He said, I'll admit, that she reeks quite a bit
But think of the Bill Murrays I save
You might be surprised how well old goat sausages are able to stand up to the heat.

#31 TheGreenOne

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Posted 09 February 2012 - 02:27 PM

Huge-breasted model, 32, walks away from horror crash after her 38KKK chest acts as AIRBAG

A 32-year-old model who held the record for the world's largest implants has walked away from a car crash after her breasts acted as an airbag.

Sheyla Hershey, who has 38KKK breasts, was driving home near Houston, Texas, after a Super Bowl party on Sunday when she crashed into a tree.

The mother was charged with drink-driving after the incident and allegedly was not wearing a seatbelt when she lost control of her Ford Mustang.

Posted Image

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#32 Bognoz

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Posted 10 February 2012 - 12:59 AM

I knew there had to be at least one
good reason for breast implants.
Pretty animal doesn't trust you,
unless you prepare a great hot chocolate.

#33 TheGreenOne

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Posted 13 February 2012 - 08:26 AM

Or two.

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#34 G&C

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Posted 13 February 2012 - 09:10 AM

Too much....

"It never was about absinthe anyway" - artemis 1/16/2015


#35 G&C

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Posted 17 February 2012 - 07:47 PM

Three Irishmen are sitting in the pub window seat,
Watching the front door of the brothel over the road.
The local Methodist pastor appears, and quickly goes inside.
"Would you look at that!" says the first Irishman.
"Didn't I always say what a bunch of hypocrites they are?"
No sooner are the words out of his mouth than a Rabbi appears at the door,
Knocks, and goes inside.
"Another one trying to fool everyone with pious preaching and stupid hats!"
They continue drinking their beer roundly condemning the vicar and the rabbi
When they see their own Catholic priest knock on the door.
"Ah, now dat's sad." says the third Irishman.
"One of the girls must have died.”

"It never was about absinthe anyway" - artemis 1/16/2015


#36 G&C

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Posted 21 February 2012 - 09:46 AM

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#37 G&C

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Posted 21 February 2012 - 11:03 AM

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#38 G&C

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Posted 22 February 2012 - 07:54 AM

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#39 G&C

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Posted 23 February 2012 - 07:52 AM

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#40 G&C

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Posted 23 February 2012 - 07:53 AM

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#41 G&C

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Posted 26 February 2012 - 01:44 PM

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#42 artemis

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Posted 27 February 2012 - 03:04 PM

Reminds me of the story of Alfred Jarry shooting bottles off the wall.

A neighbor lady came over to complain; said it endangered her children.

Jarry said if a child should be so unfortunate as to catch a bullet, he would be happy to help her make more.

If it had been raining that day, probably none of that shit would have happened.
You might be surprised how well old goat sausages are able to stand up to the heat.

#43 G&C

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Posted 03 March 2012 - 01:05 PM

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#44 G&C

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Posted 03 March 2012 - 01:17 PM

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#45 G&C

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Posted 03 March 2012 - 01:18 PM

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Edited by G&C, 03 March 2012 - 01:21 PM.

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#46 G&C

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Posted 03 March 2012 - 03:49 PM


"It never was about absinthe anyway" - artemis 1/16/2015


#47 G&C

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Posted 03 March 2012 - 03:51 PM

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#48 G&C

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Posted 05 March 2012 - 11:16 AM

A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.

A leading local politician, and also a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set, and when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that, and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."

Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies for being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk.

"I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession."

"It never was about absinthe anyway" - artemis 1/16/2015


#49 G&C

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Posted 09 March 2012 - 06:42 PM

Attached File  EtOH Test.jpg   55.86K   0 downloads

"It never was about absinthe anyway" - artemis 1/16/2015


#50 G&C

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Posted 12 March 2012 - 01:19 PM

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation in Jerusalem . While they
were there, the wife passed away . The undertaker told the husband, "You
can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150 or we can have her
shipped back home for $5,000 . *****

*The husband thought about it and told the undertaker he would have her
shipped back home .* ****

*The undertaker asked him, "why would you spend $5,000 to have her shipped
home when you could have a beautiful burial here, and it would only cost
$150????" *****

*The husband replied, "Long ago, a man died here, was buried here, and
three days later, rose from the dead . I just can't take that chance!"* ****

"It never was about absinthe anyway" - artemis 1/16/2015


#51 G&C

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Posted 13 March 2012 - 05:57 PM

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.
A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
'Nurse,' he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?'
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body.'
He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other,lifting and moving them around and around gently.Then, she takes a close look and says, 'No sir, they aren't and I assure you, there's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!'
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely..... ' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - back ?'

"It never was about absinthe anyway" - artemis 1/16/2015


#52 G&C

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Posted 14 March 2012 - 07:39 PM

The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did .... she's 21 and her name's Lucy.





Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 24 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.





My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."

"It never was about absinthe anyway" - artemis 1/16/2015


#53 jaded prol

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Posted 18 March 2012 - 04:30 AM

http://www.ucsf.edu/...nk-more-alcohol

Stay thirsty my friends.
Drinking for medicinal reasons.

You may say I'm a drinker
but I'm not the only one.

#54 G&C

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Posted 26 March 2012 - 07:38 AM

Attached File  demotivational-posters-ellen-fapper.jpg   39.24K   1 downloads

"It never was about absinthe anyway" - artemis 1/16/2015


#55 jaded prol

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Posted 26 March 2012 - 10:30 AM

The Republicans seem to be campaigning actively against sex. I guess including masturbation is the next logical step in their fight against big government.

It's probalby because of these radicals -- http://www.masturbateforpeace.com/
Drinking for medicinal reasons.

You may say I'm a drinker
but I'm not the only one.

#56 G&C

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Posted 28 March 2012 - 05:33 PM

Funny how some things never change...

Attached File  to do list.jpg   64.79K   0 downloads

Edited by G&C, 28 March 2012 - 05:33 PM.

"It never was about absinthe anyway" - artemis 1/16/2015


#57 TheGreenOne

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Posted 30 March 2012 - 09:10 AM

...

Attached Files


shuck and jive is an important skill

 

I cannot play music on an infinite keyboard.


#58 Bognoz

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Posted 30 March 2012 - 12:07 PM

A solid improvement
over cooking with gas.
Pretty animal doesn't trust you,
unless you prepare a great hot chocolate.

#59 G&C

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Posted 30 March 2012 - 05:15 PM


"It never was about absinthe anyway" - artemis 1/16/2015


#60 artemis

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Posted 30 March 2012 - 05:42 PM

They'll even push your stool in for you - now that's customer service.

Attached File  Pounder.jpg   31.53K   1 downloads
You might be surprised how well old goat sausages are able to stand up to the heat.

#61 G&C

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Posted 01 April 2012 - 09:04 AM

Attached File  Sanitary door opener.jpg   23.13K   0 downloads

"It never was about absinthe anyway" - artemis 1/16/2015


#62 Absinthe_1900

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Posted 03 April 2012 - 06:12 PM

Woman Utters Line Never Previously Recorded In A Police Report
http://www.thesmokin...d-police-report

According to investigators, Williams--who lives four doors down from her estranged husband at the 77 Motor Inn--showed up at his door and asked Danny Williams and another man to “eat my pussy.” At this point, Williams, pictured in the mug shot at right, “commenced to undress herself,” reported Deputy Ross Mellinger.
While Danny Williams “declined said invitation,” the other man, Adam Watson, told cops that he “agreed to perform at her request.” However, as Watson approached Williams, “he became overwhelmed by horrible vaginal odor emitting from Melissa Williams.” Watson, understandably, “declined to proceed any further.”

This is when Melissa Williams allegedly “produced a lock-back folding knife,” opened it, and pointed the weapon at her estranged husband. She then reportedly uttered a line never before memorialized in a police report: “Somebody is going to eat my pussy or I’m going to cut your fucking throat.”

Attached Files


Edited by Absinthe_1900, 03 April 2012 - 06:14 PM.

Remember, an armed TXLF is a polite TXLF

#63 Kirk

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Posted 04 April 2012 - 04:52 AM

Gotta go some time.
Tool making Bi-Ped
http://www.absintheherbs.com

#64 G&C

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Posted 14 April 2012 - 06:13 AM


"It never was about absinthe anyway" - artemis 1/16/2015


#65 G&C

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Posted 18 April 2012 - 08:23 PM

Attached File  Columbian pros.jpg   64.11K   0 downloads

"It never was about absinthe anyway" - artemis 1/16/2015


#66 G&C

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Posted 21 April 2012 - 10:00 AM

Attached File  Dick clark dies.jpg   34.36K   2 downloads

"It never was about absinthe anyway" - artemis 1/16/2015


#67 TheGreenOne

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Posted 24 April 2012 - 11:33 AM

Hara-Kiri Kitty

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shuck and jive is an important skill

 

I cannot play music on an infinite keyboard.


#68 Bognoz

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Posted 24 April 2012 - 11:48 AM

Hello.
Pretty animal doesn't trust you,
unless you prepare a great hot chocolate.

#69 Bognoz

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Posted 24 April 2012 - 11:49 AM

That pussy's
needed stabbing
long long time.
Pretty animal doesn't trust you,
unless you prepare a great hot chocolate.

#70 G&C

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Posted 24 April 2012 - 11:54 AM

And you'd be the one to do it.

Pork that stuffy!

"It never was about absinthe anyway" - artemis 1/16/2015


#71 Bognoz

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Posted 24 April 2012 - 11:57 AM

Rrooowwwrrrrr.
Pretty animal doesn't trust you,
unless you prepare a great hot chocolate.

#72 GreyBoy2

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Posted 01 May 2012 - 03:52 PM

http://www.amazon.co...#R231U4ZG0YDNHD
They're to keep out witches!

#73 TheGreenOne

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Posted 02 May 2012 - 10:35 AM

At least you were pleased with the results.

I am giving this product a 5 because despite the fact that I think my bollocks might fall off, they are now completely hairless.


shuck and jive is an important skill

 

I cannot play music on an infinite keyboard.


#74 GreyBoy2

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Posted 02 May 2012 - 03:00 PM

Yes, very.
They're to keep out witches!

#75 G&C

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Posted 04 May 2012 - 10:00 AM

Young woman was walking through the park one day and noticed a nice looking old man sitting on a park bench. He was crying and his face covered with tears.

She stopped and asked him "why are you so sad and crying like this".

He replied:

"It's a long story. I just recently married a beautiful woman in her 20's that just absolutely loves sex. She wakes me in the morning with the best oral sex I've ever experienced in my 80 years. After breakfast its fantastic sex in the shower. After lunch its sex on the sofa, floor, or wherever we feel like. More sex at bedtime. This goes on just about every day of the week"

The young lady was a little shocked but when she recovered her composure she said: "It sounds like you should be one of the happiest men on earth. Why are you crying?"

He said: "I am one of the happiest men on earth BUT I CAN'T REMEMBER WHERE I LIVE"

"It never was about absinthe anyway" - artemis 1/16/2015


#76 TheGreenOne

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Posted 11 May 2012 - 11:49 AM

Wave.

shuck and jive is an important skill

 

I cannot play music on an infinite keyboard.


#77 G&C

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Posted 14 May 2012 - 07:43 AM

I was in a pub on Saturday night. Had a few drinks...

I noticed two very large women by the bar. They both had strong accents, so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Scotland?"

One of them turned to me and screamed, "It's WALES, you IDIOT!"

So, I immediately apologized, and said, "Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?"

That's all I remember.

"It never was about absinthe anyway" - artemis 1/16/2015


#78 G&C

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Posted 16 May 2012 - 08:11 AM


"It never was about absinthe anyway" - artemis 1/16/2015


#79 Crosby

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Posted 17 May 2012 - 01:56 PM

...™

Attached Files


C'est ma santé

“Never approach a bull from the front, a horse from the rear or a fool from any direction.”


#80 G&C

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Posted 17 May 2012 - 03:54 PM

Guilty...

"It never was about absinthe anyway" - artemis 1/16/2015


#81 G&C

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Posted 17 May 2012 - 03:54 PM

They can take a pounding.

"It never was about absinthe anyway" - artemis 1/16/2015


#82 G&C

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Posted 17 May 2012 - 03:55 PM

Ask Bett(y) White

"It never was about absinthe anyway" - artemis 1/16/2015


#83 Kirk

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Posted 17 May 2012 - 05:53 PM

I've done it, damn thing swelled.
Tool making Bi-Ped
http://www.absintheherbs.com

#84 G&C

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Posted 30 May 2012 - 08:45 PM

Attached File  No eat my face.jpg   13.99K   0 downloads

"It never was about absinthe anyway" - artemis 1/16/2015


#85 TheGreenOne

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Posted 07 June 2012 - 02:23 PM

Attached Files


shuck and jive is an important skill

 

I cannot play music on an infinite keyboard.


#86 Stroller

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Posted 29 June 2012 - 07:30 PM

Attached File  joke.jpg   44.99K   2 downloads
"Life is tough; it's tougher when you're stupid."

#87 Stroller

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Posted 29 June 2012 - 09:32 PM


"Life is tough; it's tougher when you're stupid."

#88 Kirk

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Posted 30 June 2012 - 05:14 AM

That Napolean Dynamite rocks.
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http://www.absintheherbs.com

#89 Stroller

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Posted 30 June 2012 - 05:59 AM

Attached File  Never.jpg   37.69K   0 downloads
"Life is tough; it's tougher when you're stupid."

#90 jaded prol

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Posted 30 June 2012 - 07:29 AM

What'll they think of next?



Drinking for medicinal reasons.

You may say I'm a drinker
but I'm not the only one.

#91 Stroller

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Posted 30 June 2012 - 01:36 PM

Attached File  Hobbyist.jpg   33.6K   1 downloads
"Life is tough; it's tougher when you're stupid."

#92 TheGreenOne

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Posted 17 July 2012 - 07:28 PM

I think this is how CG wants to go.

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shuck and jive is an important skill

 

I cannot play music on an infinite keyboard.


#93 DrinkSlinger

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Posted 19 July 2012 - 09:01 PM

Scary, but yet sexy, at the same time.

for some people, there's money in absinthe. And for some, there's only absinthe in absinthe.
.

#94 TheGreenOne

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Posted 23 July 2012 - 01:40 PM

I think this is how CG Dinky wants to go.


shuck and jive is an important skill

 

I cannot play music on an infinite keyboard.


#95 G&C

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Posted 24 July 2012 - 09:53 AM

A bloke goes to the local council [city government] to apply for a job in the office.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine."

"Have you ever worked for the public service before?"

"Yes, I was in the army." he says, "I was in Iraq for two tours."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."

Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A mine exploded near me when I was there and I lost both of my testicles".

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K. You've got enough points for me to take you on right away. Our normal hours are from 8.00am to
4.00pm.....but you can start tomorrow at 10.00am - and carry on starting at 10.00am every day."

The bloke is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm, why don't you want me here until 10.00am? I'm not looking for any special treatment y'know"

"What you have to understand is that this is a council job," the interviewer says, "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. There's no point in you coming in for that."

"It never was about absinthe anyway" - artemis 1/16/2015


#96 Bognoz

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Posted 25 July 2012 - 06:48 AM

His fame and financial breakthrough pushed him into having up to six wives. His love for sex equally contributed to his patronage of the most beautiful girls in Ugbugbu Owukpa, Ogbadibo Local government area of Benue State where a man who was identified as Uroko Onoja was allegedly raped to death by his 6 jealous wives in the early hour of Tuesday.
Trouble started on tuesday morning, precisely 3 am when Uroko returned from Ochanja, a popular joint in the small community of Ugbugbu and headed to the room of his youngest wife. The other wives who according to the youngest wife, Odachi had a meeting before Uroko returned home invaded her room with knives and sticks, demanding that their husband have sex with all of them at once. Uroko who resisted their attack was overpowered by the women who ordered that the sex march begin with the youngest wife and to continue in that order to the top.
Our correspondent reported that Uroko stopped breathing when the fifth woman was making her way to the bed. “Suddenly, my husband stopped breathing, and they all ran out, still laughing, but when they saw that I could not resuscitate him, they all ran into the forest.
...
As at the time this report was filed, 2 of the wives have been arrested.


Pretty animal doesn't trust you,
unless you prepare a great hot chocolate.

#97 artemis

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Posted 26 July 2012 - 11:07 AM

they all ran into the forest

That's the best part. All stories should end like that.
You might be surprised how well old goat sausages are able to stand up to the heat.

#98 Bognoz

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Posted 26 July 2012 - 05:34 PM

Agreed. All should

live

adjacent to a forest.

etc.
Pretty animal doesn't trust you,
unless you prepare a great hot chocolate.

#99 G&C

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Posted 27 July 2012 - 08:10 AM

A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing with his staff.

While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"


A Major chimed in with 75%-25% in favor of work.

A Captain said it was 50%-50%


A lieutenant responded with 25%-75% in favor of pleasure.

There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC who was in charge of making the coffee and asked for his opinion?


Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure.


The colonel was surprised and as you might have guessed, asked why?


"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."

"It never was about absinthe anyway" - artemis 1/16/2015


#100 G&C

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Posted 28 July 2012 - 05:58 PM

Golfer accidentally overturned his cart.

Elizabeth, a "beautiful" real golfer who lived in a villa on the golf course heard the noise and yelled over to him.

"Hey, are you okay, what's your name?"

"Willis," he replied.

"Willis forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest up and I'll help you get the cart up later."

"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it."

"Aw come on," Elizabeth insisted.

She was very pretty and persuasive.

"Well okay," Willis finally agreed, And added, "but my wife won't like it."

After a hearty drink AND sexy driving and putting lessons, Willis thanked his host.

"I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be real upset."

"Don't be foolish!” Elizabeth said with a smile, she wont know any thing. By the way, where is she?"

"Under the cart!"

"It never was about absinthe anyway" - artemis 1/16/2015


#101 G&C

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Posted 31 July 2012 - 06:21 AM

Attached File  the-little-engine-that-said-fuck-it.jpg   50.36K   0 downloads

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#102 G&C

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Posted 05 August 2012 - 08:19 AM

Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"
Johnny says " Mas-ter-bate."
Ms Hall smiles and says, "Wow, little Johnny, that’s a mouthful."
Little Billy says, "No, Miss Hall, you’re thinking of a blowjob."

"It never was about absinthe anyway" - artemis 1/16/2015


#103 G&C

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Posted 08 August 2012 - 08:38 AM

A guy and his date are sitting in an Adult Theater. He figured an explicit movie might get the juices flowing for later.

After a while his date leans over and says "The man sitting next to me is masturbating".

He responded "Just ignore him".

She said "That's impossible, he's using my hand".

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#104 G&C

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Posted 08 August 2012 - 08:39 AM

Now that I'm "older" (but refuse to grow up), here's what I've discovered:


1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.

3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

5. All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.

6. If all is not lost, where is it?

7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

8. Some days you're the dog (bug); some days you're the hydrant (windshield).

9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.

10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.

14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?

16. It's not hard to meet expenses ... they're everywhere.

17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter. I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.

19. I AM UNABLE TO REMEMBER IF I HAVE POSTED THIS OR NOT!!!

20. Funny, I don't remember being ... absent-minded.

Edited by G&C, 08 August 2012 - 08:40 AM.

"It never was about absinthe anyway" - artemis 1/16/2015


#105 jaded prol

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Posted 09 August 2012 - 01:09 PM

You know you're getting old when you start passing around jokes like that.
Drinking for medicinal reasons.

You may say I'm a drinker
but I'm not the only one.

#106 G&C

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Posted 09 August 2012 - 06:39 PM

What jokes?

"It never was about absinthe anyway" - artemis 1/16/2015


#107 G&C

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Posted 09 August 2012 - 06:40 PM

I may be old, however, I do believe I am the youngest person in my community.

"It never was about absinthe anyway" - artemis 1/16/2015


#108 G&C

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Posted 09 August 2012 - 06:40 PM

I may be old, however, I do believe I am the youngest person in my community.

"It never was about absinthe anyway" - artemis 1/16/2015


#109 Bognoz

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Posted 09 August 2012 - 09:07 PM

I've never understood half the things
that today's youngin's believe in.
Pretty animal doesn't trust you,
unless you prepare a great hot chocolate.

#110 jaded prol

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Posted 10 August 2012 - 02:24 AM

My mother-in-law used to say, "I've lived beyond my time."

I'm getting there.
Drinking for medicinal reasons.

You may say I'm a drinker
but I'm not the only one.

#111 Kirk

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Posted 10 August 2012 - 05:58 AM

I lived after mine.
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#112 Absomphe

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Posted 10 August 2012 - 02:23 PM

Squared.

At least.
To the bar, for flaming Hills enemas!

#113 Kirk

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Posted 12 August 2012 - 05:48 AM

!

Attached Files


Tool making Bi-Ped
http://www.absintheherbs.com

#114 jaded prol

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Posted 12 August 2012 - 07:55 AM

And I was hoping to vote for an alternative candidate.

Guess I'll have to vote for the O to keep this nutcase out.
Drinking for medicinal reasons.

You may say I'm a drinker
but I'm not the only one.

#115 G&C

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Posted 12 August 2012 - 07:56 AM

It makes no difference...

The thing I am arguing with you about is not that Obama is a good president, but whether he is a socialist or Marxist. Regardless of the influence he might have in the childhood (even if his mother had been reading him Lenin as bed time stories :-)) he is acting as a center-right politician today, and by the standards of all other western nations he would be considered a conservative.

He is very much in bed with the capital (banking industry loves him).

His health care "reform" is exactly the same as Republican alternative to Clinton - and far to the right of what Nixon proposed. Healthcare industry LOVES it.

His environmental record is to the right of Nixon.

His record on government secrecy is actually to the right of Bush.


Edited by G&C, 12 August 2012 - 07:57 AM.

"It never was about absinthe anyway" - artemis 1/16/2015


#116 G&C

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Posted 12 August 2012 - 08:02 AM

Attached File  march of tyranny.jpg   562.4K   0 downloads

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#117 G&C

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Posted 14 August 2012 - 07:37 AM

Yesterday I had an appointment to see the urologist for a Prostate exam. Of course I was a bit on edge because all my friends have either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted.......The waiting room was filled with patients.


As I approached the receptionist's desk, I noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. I gave her my name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at me, a now very embarrassed man. But as usual, I recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,

'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT
THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."

The room erupted in applause!

"It never was about absinthe anyway" - artemis 1/16/2015


#118 G&C

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Posted 14 August 2012 - 09:27 AM

Attached File  198713_2043373642256_4154786_n.jpg   27.33K   1 downloads

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#119 G&C

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Posted 15 August 2012 - 08:03 AM

Attached File  Tastes like grandma.jpg   75.73K   0 downloads

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#120 G&C

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Posted 02 September 2012 - 08:40 AM

Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the Nuts?

Women always say that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

They are wrong, and here's the proof.

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."

You NEVER hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

Case closed.

"It never was about absinthe anyway" - artemis 1/16/2015


#121 Bognoz

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Posted 02 September 2012 - 09:12 AM

Jackass.

And the like.
Pretty animal doesn't trust you,
unless you prepare a great hot chocolate.

#122 TheGreenOne

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Posted 03 September 2012 - 08:59 AM

You NEVER hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."


You have an overly optimistic view of the world.
http://cureballbusting.blogspot.com/

shuck and jive is an important skill

 

I cannot play music on an infinite keyboard.


#123 G&C

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Posted 03 September 2012 - 09:53 AM

No.
I'm just in denial.

"It never was about absinthe anyway" - artemis 1/16/2015


#124 TheGreenOne

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Posted 10 September 2012 - 01:16 PM

Why CG moved to China

shuck and jive is an important skill

 

I cannot play music on an infinite keyboard.


#125 Bognoz

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Posted 10 September 2012 - 08:00 PM

CG couldn't meet QC.
Pretty animal doesn't trust you,
unless you prepare a great hot chocolate.

#126 G&C

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Posted 11 September 2012 - 09:20 AM

Attached File  Where\'s Daddy.jpg   178.97K   2 downloads

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#127 jaded prol

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Posted 21 September 2012 - 11:19 AM

Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternative meanings for common words. The winners are:

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n), olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
Drinking for medicinal reasons.

You may say I'm a drinker
but I'm not the only one.

#128 artemis

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Posted 22 September 2012 - 11:42 AM

Little Tony was sitting on a park bench eating one candy bar after another.
After the sixth candy bar, a man on the bench across from him said,
"Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give
you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."
Little Tony replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat six candy bars at a time?"
Little Tony answered, "No, he minded his own fucking business."
You might be surprised how well old goat sausages are able to stand up to the heat.

#129 G&C

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Posted 28 September 2012 - 09:53 AM


A little girl was out with her Grandmother when they came across a couple of dogs mating on the sidewalk. "What are they doing, Grandma?" asked the little girl. The grandmother was embarrassed, so she said, "The dog on top has hurt his paw, and the one underneath is carrying him to the doctor." They're just like people, aren't they Grandma?" said the little one. "How do you mean?" asked the Grandma. "Offer someone a helping hand," said the little girl, "and they fuck you every time!"

"It never was about absinthe anyway" - artemis 1/16/2015


#130 jaded prol

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Posted 03 October 2012 - 02:51 AM


A very old man lay
dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he suddenly smelled the
aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed.

Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom,

and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs,

gripping the railing with both hands.

With labored breath,
he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for
death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven.


There, spread out
on newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of
his favorite chocolate chip cookies.


Was it heaven?

Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife,
seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?


Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table.

The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie

at the edge of the table,

when he was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

"Stay out of those,"
she said.

"They're for the funeral."

Drinking for medicinal reasons.

You may say I'm a drinker
but I'm not the only one.

#131 jaded prol

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Posted 28 February 2013 - 05:22 AM

  . . .


Drinking for medicinal reasons.

You may say I'm a drinker
but I'm not the only one.




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