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Dummies' guide to what went wrong in banking


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#1 G&C

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Posted 02 December 2011 - 05:02 PM

Helga is the proprietor of a bar.

She realizes that virtually all of her customers are unemployed alcoholics and, as such, can no longer afford to patronize her bar.

To solve this problem, she comes up with a new marketing plan that allows her customers to drink now, but pay later.

Helga keeps track of the drinks consumed on a ledger (thereby granting the customers' loans).

Word gets around about Helga's "drink now, pay later" marketing strategy and, as a result, increasing numbers of customers flood into Helga's bar.

Soon she has the largest sales volume for any bar in town.

By providing her customers freedom from immediate payment demands, Helga gets no resistance when, at regular intervals, she substantially increases her prices for wine and beer, the most consumed beverages.

Consequently, Helga's gross sales volume increases massively.

A young and dynamic vice-president at the local bank recognizes that these customer debts constitute valuable future assets and increases Helga's borrowing limit.

He sees no reason for any undue concern, since he has the debts of the unemployed alcoholics as collateral!!!

At the bank's corporate headquarters, expert traders figure a way to make huge commissions, and transform these customer loans into DRINKBONDS.

These "securities" then are bundled and traded on international securities markets.

Naive investors don't really understand that the securities being sold to them as "AA" "Secured Bonds" really are debts of unemployed alcoholics.

Nevertheless, the bond prices continuously climb!!!, and the securities soon become the hottest-selling items for some of the nation's leading brokerage houses.

One day, even though the bond prices still are climbing, a risk manager at the original local bank decides that the time has come to demand payment on the debts incurred by the drinkers at Helga's bar. He so informs Helga.

Helga then demands payment from her alcoholic patrons, but being unemployed alcoholics they cannot pay back their drinking debts.

Since Helga cannot fulfil her loan obligations she is forced into bankruptcy. The bar closes and Helga's 11 employees lose their jobs.

Overnight, DRINKBOND prices drop by 90%. The collapsed bond asset value destroys the bank's liquidity and prevents it from issuing new loans, thus freezing credit and economic activity in the community.

The suppliers of Helga's bar had granted her generous payment extensions and had invested their firms' pension funds in the BOND securities. They find they are now faced with having to write off her bad debt and with losing over 90% of the presumed value of the bonds.

Her wine supplier also claims bankruptcy, closing the doors on a family business that had endured for three generations, her beer supplier is taken over by a competitor, who immediately closes the local plant and lays off 150 workers. Fortunately though, the bank, the brokerage houses and their respective executives are saved and bailed out by a multibillion dollar no-strings attached cash infusion from the government.

The funds required for this bailout are obtained by new taxes levied on employed, middle-class, non-drinkers who have never been in Helga’s bar.

Now do you understand?

"It never was about absinthe anyway" - artemis 1/16/2015


#2 Bognoz

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Posted 03 December 2011 - 12:30 AM

It pays to be an unemployed alcoholic.

At least for your drinks.
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unless you prepare a great hot chocolate.

#3 Kirk

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Posted 03 December 2011 - 03:02 AM

I will gladly pay you for two hamburgers tomorrow if I can have one today.
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#4 TheGreenOne

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Posted 03 December 2011 - 09:42 AM

There are some unemployed drunks I trust with money way more than most fully employed Wall Street types.

shuck and jive is an important skill

 

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#5 jaded prol

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Posted 03 December 2011 - 12:46 PM

Indeed!™
Drinking for medicinal reasons.

You may say I'm a drinker
but I'm not the only one.

#6 Bognoz

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Posted 03 December 2011 - 02:56 PM

I understand drinking on someone else's tab.

I don't understand trying to sell that tab to a third party.
With the goal of profiting from the transaction.
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#7 Engineer_Poelzig

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Posted 04 December 2011 - 12:25 AM

Ask Franklin Raines, he'll tell you how to do it, and line your pockets like he did.

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#8 sixela

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Posted 05 December 2011 - 01:47 PM

Her wine supplier also claims bankruptcy, closing the doors on a family business that had endured for three generations, her beer supplier is taken over by a competitor, who immediately closes the local plant and lays off 150 workers.

Who will become the unemployed drunk two years from now, once history repeats itself?

#9 Félix

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Posted 06 December 2011 - 09:34 AM

Toutes les membres ici sont déjà sans travail et boivent trop de l'alcool...
Je ne vais pas parler l'anglais plus. Ce n'est pas la chouette ! - Félix

'Black Lickerish Tasting Crap™ was okay while it lasted...' - The Pope

"Is he still using roadside fennel?" - G&C

"I met The Lord™ once. I was completely unimpressed."
"I met Peter Shaft™ once. I was completely unimpressed."

#10 Bognoz

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Posted 06 December 2011 - 10:22 AM

I keep bizzy by drinking.
Izzat too much?
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#11 Félix

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Posted 08 December 2011 - 09:54 AM

Péter Shaft boit le beurre au derrière...

Edited by Félix, 08 December 2011 - 10:00 AM.

Je ne vais pas parler l'anglais plus. Ce n'est pas la chouette ! - Félix

'Black Lickerish Tasting Crap™ was okay while it lasted...' - The Pope

"Is he still using roadside fennel?" - G&C

"I met The Lord™ once. I was completely unimpressed."
"I met Peter Shaft™ once. I was completely unimpressed."

#12 Bognoz

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Posted 08 December 2011 - 10:15 AM

???

Posted Image
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#13 TheGreenOne

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Posted 08 December 2011 - 11:24 AM

Dummies' Guide to How Washington Really Works

shuck and jive is an important skill

 

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#14 Félix

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Posted 08 December 2011 - 11:45 AM

???

Cela, il a mangé.
Je ne vais pas parler l'anglais plus. Ce n'est pas la chouette ! - Félix

'Black Lickerish Tasting Crap™ was okay while it lasted...' - The Pope

"Is he still using roadside fennel?" - G&C

"I met The Lord™ once. I was completely unimpressed."
"I met Peter Shaft™ once. I was completely unimpressed."

#15 sixela

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Posted 08 December 2011 - 12:33 PM

trop de l'alcool...


Ugh! I'm just in the process of driving that error from the minds of my home minions...

#16 Félix

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Posted 08 December 2011 - 12:59 PM

Je ne comprends pas, est-ce que tu peux répéter ?
Je ne vais pas parler l'anglais plus. Ce n'est pas la chouette ! - Félix

'Black Lickerish Tasting Crap™ was okay while it lasted...' - The Pope

"Is he still using roadside fennel?" - G&C

"I met The Lord™ once. I was completely unimpressed."
"I met Peter Shaft™ once. I was completely unimpressed."

#17 Félix

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Posted 08 December 2011 - 01:03 PM

Donc, d'acoord, bien.

Alors, << ... trop d'alcool ... >>

Je suis trop désolé. Excuse-moi.

Edited by Félix, 08 December 2011 - 01:10 PM.

Je ne vais pas parler l'anglais plus. Ce n'est pas la chouette ! - Félix

'Black Lickerish Tasting Crap™ was okay while it lasted...' - The Pope

"Is he still using roadside fennel?" - G&C

"I met The Lord™ once. I was completely unimpressed."
"I met Peter Shaft™ once. I was completely unimpressed."

#18 Félix

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Posted 08 December 2011 - 01:07 PM

Je suis americain et anglais, alors je suis un peu bête. Mais au moins je ne suis pas irlandais ...
Je ne vais pas parler l'anglais plus. Ce n'est pas la chouette ! - Félix

'Black Lickerish Tasting Crap™ was okay while it lasted...' - The Pope

"Is he still using roadside fennel?" - G&C

"I met The Lord™ once. I was completely unimpressed."
"I met Peter Shaft™ once. I was completely unimpressed."

#19 sixela

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Posted 08 December 2011 - 02:16 PM

You're not stupid. My two kids aren't stupid either, and they make the same mistake over and over again. They (and you) are just inexperienced.

#20 Félix

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Posted 08 December 2011 - 02:52 PM

Tes enfants, disent-ils << de l'alcool >> souvent ?
Je ne vais pas parler l'anglais plus. Ce n'est pas la chouette ! - Félix

'Black Lickerish Tasting Crap™ was okay while it lasted...' - The Pope

"Is he still using roadside fennel?" - G&C

"I met The Lord™ once. I was completely unimpressed."
"I met Peter Shaft™ once. I was completely unimpressed."

#21 sixela

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Posted 08 December 2011 - 04:03 PM

Yes. Et "trop du travail" aussi.

As for "de l'alcool", one of them liked champagne from (literally) day one. Expensive taste, but then it was very good champagne.

Edited by sixela, 08 December 2011 - 04:04 PM.


#22 Félix

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Posted 08 December 2011 - 04:55 PM

Les Belgiquans sont très riches avec leurs d'argent de l'aide. Même les enfants boivent du champagne...
Je ne vais pas parler l'anglais plus. Ce n'est pas la chouette ! - Félix

'Black Lickerish Tasting Crap™ was okay while it lasted...' - The Pope

"Is he still using roadside fennel?" - G&C

"I met The Lord™ once. I was completely unimpressed."
"I met Peter Shaft™ once. I was completely unimpressed."

#23 sixela

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Posted 09 December 2011 - 02:06 AM

Les Belgiquans aiment boire, c'est vrai...

To understand, you just have to look at liver cirrhosis maps for France and look at the chart colours close to the border with Belgium..

#24 Félix

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Posted 09 December 2011 - 09:57 AM

You must be slipping...
You missed one of my typos...
Je ne vais pas parler l'anglais plus. Ce n'est pas la chouette ! - Félix

'Black Lickerish Tasting Crap™ was okay while it lasted...' - The Pope

"Is he still using roadside fennel?" - G&C

"I met The Lord™ once. I was completely unimpressed."
"I met Peter Shaft™ once. I was completely unimpressed."

#25 Félix

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Posted 09 December 2011 - 09:58 AM

You normally hate extra esses...
Je ne vais pas parler l'anglais plus. Ce n'est pas la chouette ! - Félix

'Black Lickerish Tasting Crap™ was okay while it lasted...' - The Pope

"Is he still using roadside fennel?" - G&C

"I met The Lord™ once. I was completely unimpressed."
"I met Peter Shaft™ once. I was completely unimpressed."

#26 Bognoz

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Posted 09 December 2011 - 11:25 AM

I think you musta misspelt
"apostrophes".

Non'?
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#27 Félix

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Posted 09 December 2011 - 01:00 PM

Whats an imposteropie?
Je ne vais pas parler l'anglais plus. Ce n'est pas la chouette ! - Félix

'Black Lickerish Tasting Crap™ was okay while it lasted...' - The Pope

"Is he still using roadside fennel?" - G&C

"I met The Lord™ once. I was completely unimpressed."
"I met Peter Shaft™ once. I was completely unimpressed."

#28 Bognoz

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Posted 09 December 2011 - 01:47 PM

A pretender to possess.
Pretty animal doesn't trust you,
unless you prepare a great hot chocolate.

#29 Félix

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Posted 09 December 2011 - 03:45 PM

6'er doit déteste ces mots : huit, onze...
Je ne vais pas parler l'anglais plus. Ce n'est pas la chouette ! - Félix

'Black Lickerish Tasting Crap™ was okay while it lasted...' - The Pope

"Is he still using roadside fennel?" - G&C

"I met The Lord™ once. I was completely unimpressed."
"I met Peter Shaft™ once. I was completely unimpressed."

#30 sixela

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Posted 10 December 2011 - 01:39 PM

This is much more cruel than the Comfy Chair and the Soft Pillow.

#31 Crosby

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Posted 12 December 2011 - 01:47 AM

My two kids aren't stupid either, and they make the same mistake over and over again.

Calling you daddy?
C'est ma santé

“Never approach a bull from the front, a horse from the rear or a fool from any direction.”


#32 Félix

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Posted 12 December 2011 - 10:10 AM

« Où est Papa ? ont demandé les enfants..
-- Les enfants, cet homme n'est pas ton père ! a dit leur Maman.
-- Ma mère, où est Papa ? ont dit ses enfants.
-- Je vous ai déjà dit ! Il n'est pas ton père !
-- Maman, on voudrais savoir où est nos père parce qu'on a bu trop de l'alcool ! On a bu l'onzième bouteille du champagne.
-- Leur mère : D'accord. Donc, je ne sais pas... »

Edited by Félix, 12 December 2011 - 10:12 AM.

Je ne vais pas parler l'anglais plus. Ce n'est pas la chouette ! - Félix

'Black Lickerish Tasting Crap™ was okay while it lasted...' - The Pope

"Is he still using roadside fennel?" - G&C

"I met The Lord™ once. I was completely unimpressed."
"I met Peter Shaft™ once. I was completely unimpressed."

#33 artemis

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Posted 12 December 2011 - 07:13 PM

Papa and Mamma is a matter of familiarity.

Champagne is a matter of terrain.

Each is a matter of being satisfied with what's on hand.

Send me some of that fucking mead.
You might be surprised how well old goat sausages are able to stand up to the heat.

#34 Félix

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Posted 13 December 2011 - 01:12 PM

Quand je bois ce vin de miel, je veux le faire. J'ai une recette.
Je ne vais pas parler l'anglais plus. Ce n'est pas la chouette ! - Félix

'Black Lickerish Tasting Crap™ was okay while it lasted...' - The Pope

"Is he still using roadside fennel?" - G&C

"I met The Lord™ once. I was completely unimpressed."
"I met Peter Shaft™ once. I was completely unimpressed."

#35 Bognoz

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Posted 13 December 2011 - 11:20 PM

Hives and bee products
dot the landscape.

Melomel, metheglin,
cyser, pyment...
what's yr preference?
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#36 sixela

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Posted 15 December 2011 - 11:37 AM

« Où est Papa ? ont demandé les enfants..
-- Les enfants, cet homme n'est pas ton père ! a dit leur Maman.


[I'll disregard the fact the use of the "passé composé is [i]really[/i] grating. Hey, but that means you're grate[tm] .]

OK, I concede you're worse than my kids. Agreement in number is something they do grok. [By the way, "leur maman" doesn't take a capital letter, even though "Maman" does...]

#37 Félix

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Posted 15 December 2011 - 01:02 PM

Excuse-moi.

votre père

Je sais ça, mais je ne le connais pas.

Edited by Félix, 15 December 2011 - 01:05 PM.

Je ne vais pas parler l'anglais plus. Ce n'est pas la chouette ! - Félix

'Black Lickerish Tasting Crap™ was okay while it lasted...' - The Pope

"Is he still using roadside fennel?" - G&C

"I met The Lord™ once. I was completely unimpressed."
"I met Peter Shaft™ once. I was completely unimpressed."




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