My predatory nature is subtle, especially compared to Trainer.

What can I say, I'm an up-front kinda guy.

The joke goes:

Junior: "Dad, I have a question about women"

Dad: "What do you wanna know son?"

Junior: "Um... what does a 'vagina' look like?"

Dad: "Well son, before sex a vagina looks like a budding red rose just beginning to open to full flower."

Junior: "OK. What does it look like after sex?"

Dad: "Son, you ever see a bulldog eating mayonaise?"

That was funnier the first time.

And, incidentally, I believe the joke refers to a whole vulva, as implied in "pussy," and not a "vagina." You should learn the distinction before you start having sex with live women.

If you wanna get all technical and shit it isn't the vulva but the labia minora and vaginal opening that are referenced in the joke. That would be all pedantic and unfunny though, but different strokes...

Shaddap.

Hmmm...

Cheap AssTard shows up right after we eighty-six a couple of puppets.

I smell a Djung Cart.

The dead ones he's probably used to, don't really notice his inexpertise regarding feminine anatomy, luckily for him.

Saves on soundproofing too, so it's a win/win.

I'm sure your neighbors get tired of hearing, "Wake me when it's over. I'll want a shower."

followed by, "Where's the Clorox?"

A pick-up line that usually does not work: "You look a lot like my mom*! Wanna fuck?"

*Sister, Brother, Niece, Cousin, Dog, Favorite Bucket Calf, Sheep, & Vacuum Cleaner can all be substituted here!

Tell me about it, Kimosabe. Guys hate hearing that they look like your mom.

"You look like my Dad" doesn't go over much better.

This one worked well for me recently: "I have a boyfriend. Leave me alone."

Just don’t show them his picture, they’ll know you’re lying.

Substitute Husband,
and it didn't work for her neither.

So you're a mate poacher, too, are you?

I just found "I'm sorry, you'll have to leave. You are making the other women look bad." If I ever want a slap, I know how to get it!

Skeet does enjoy a good smack .

So this guy named Kirk says, "I'd love to mold your legs..."

Not sure how it's gonna work out for him, but it has potential.

Lifetime supply of penicillin?

You people!























(ha!)

Does Kirk drive a full-sized, or mini van?

Aren't we not unversed in the absence of art of the double negative?

Intentional, dear penguin.

It's a Jackism.

Oh no, not you neither!

Though I'm rethinking the use of that one.

It's a Yugo ,
but it is a station wagon.

Move to Britain, where you can call it an 'estate car'. Sounds posh, doesn't it?

I think most Britians would run screaming when he asks, "Anyone wanna see my lizard?" and then begins to unbuckle his belt.

I don't know why it would be upsetting ,
such a small thing.
Six, that really applied to my van ,
when I had to park it down by the river.

ohhhh, that's Goooood!


(writing that one down)

Dinky used that one on ~Y~.

With Sharpie.

here's a good pickup line:


you better wash out your shithole, you fucking skank, or just imagine how it's going to taste when i come in your mouth.

did it work?

Let's begin by establishing that this took place 10 minutes ago inside a pharmacy. Hitting on people in pharmacies seems inherently odd to me. I mean, what if I had been there to buy a pregnancy test, painkillers for crippling menstrual cramps, or some anti-diarrhea pills? There are all kinds of things women think about inside pharmacies that make them less than enthusiastic about finding a new sex partner while they are there.

I digress.

This guy was huge. He had arms like my calves (which are larger than normal from an adulthood spent alternately bicycling and eating ice cream). He had an enormous, sloping forhead; yellowy eyes; and a confused tangle of hair that had passed on unruliness for outright rebellion.

He stopped to comment on the color of my hair. It meant I was a real American, he said. Noting my polite neutrality and befuddlement, he launched into a lengthy explanation. Had I ever heard of the KKK? According to them, he said, my bright red hair made me the whitest of white people; a real, real white person; like superwhite or something.

I could only blink up at him and acknowledge my complete ignorance of that intriguing factoid, whereupon he requested to come play his guitar at my apartment.

This goes in the "strangest pick-up lines" category.

You win.

I must produce a pheremone.
Bitch-scent for Weirdos.
I'm like the Pied Fuckin' Piper of Weirdos.

...

...

...

...

...

Yeah, I'd say so.

So was he a good guitar player?

I never did find out. He urged me to go see him at open mic night, so he must be good.

Speaking of open mic, when I told the mayor of my pants about the Drugstore Love, he sternly warned me to be more careful about talking to creepy guys.