Who am I? Who are any of us really?????
In the throes of my deep existential angst I give you this:

As you can see by my avatar, I have a babyhead.

I am a child of rape. As a matter of fact, almost 60% of orangutan births are due to rape.

Instead of the normal orfices, I accomplish all of my bodily functions through a cloaca located behind my left knee.

My wife makes her living by wrestling bears in the Russian circus.

The talking head of Yul Brynner lives in my basement. He's kind of annoying, but he keeps the mice down.

I once counted the hairs on my head. That number, divided by the number of toenail clippings I can accumulate in 7 months, is exactly equal to the volume of fermented urine in my bathtub.

Yeast loves uric acid and electrolytes.

If I concentrate really hard, I can cry teardrops of pure Bolivian cocaine.

When erect, my nipples are six inches long, and I can play simple tunes on the piano with them.

Well, enough about me. Let's hear about you all!!

this wife, does she wrestle naked?

Folks, this cat's a keeper.

Twas good of him to open up so.

Much Ado About Nothing.

It's just a simple writing exercise. Try it yourself.

Naught but the hair on her back, my from the Land of Bogs friend.

give me her number.

my wife's not much of a wrestler, but you should see her box.

I‘ve heard when they box its kind of hairy.

Hairy box.

That phrase makes me feel all warm inside.

move your fingers around a bit.

they love that shit.



oh, and if you feel like you wanna grab those olive-y shaped things, do it right before you're finished cuz they get all pissy and try to move away when you grab hold and try to pop them.

Okay.

That (okay) was so profound that it needed an edit?

I'm starting to like this Preened Pullet guy.

Oh christ!
Another creative type.
I hope he's not too liberal.

Except when he's pouring?

Yes, asshat.

Whether he lives in the sock drawer or not, I say Sheened Gull Xit stays.

Now let's get him to start crying.

I agree.
Puppet or not, I'm happy.

Anyone who can cohesively link head hair counting, toenail clippings, and fermented urine is worthy Lounge material.

I'm just hoping he'll stick around long enough to post pics of Yul Brynner's talking head.

Or the cloaca behind his left knee.

I wanna hear more about the ape rape.
Spill bitch.

I found a can of orange, fermented urine in my basement.

Have you found a use for it yet?

No,
but I'm hiding the shotgun shells.

I wrassled an emu the other day...

My boss happens to have a menagerie of sorts on his property, which is located waaaay out on the goddamn prairie. He's got several geese, two emu's, several goats (that's right Balz™!), a miniature burro, and many dogs, rabbits, ferrets, snakes, etc.
Anyway, he went off to Las Vegas to spend part of my paycheck, and while he was gone, one of the emus escaped. Out. Into the open prairie.

I don't know how many of you are familiar with emus(Balz™???), but it's like an ostrich, only smaller. This one was only 6' and 150lbs.

So, when my boss got home, he found the creature missing, and called on yours truly to come help track her down. After several hours of cruising this prairie ranchland, we finally located sweet Marilyn(the emu) running frantically across the horizon.

After several hours of herding an animal that can run 30 mph, we finally corralled the bird in a barbed wire fence. My boss jumped on her, which left me with the unenviable task of tying her feet together.

FunFact: Emus can break a man's leg with a kick, and have inch-and-half claws on the ends of their toes. It's not uncommon for a frightened emu to disembowel an attacking dog or coyote with one swift kick.

After 30 minutes of continuous effort and several scrapes and lacerations, I finally managed to tie the thing's legs together with twine. It took both of us to get her into the truck, and then back into the pen.

Finally, my boss cut the twine and we both ran.

Seriously, folks, do not fuck with birds that run.

True story.

I had a conversation with an emu once...

What did it say?

It just made some low throaty sounds an' stuff, which I mimicked. We seemed to be communicating and it went on for several minutes.

I'm afraid of my mother's Macaw.
I wouldn't get anywhere near an emu.

They're foul.

God, didja check out the gullet on that one?! And that tight little crop?

Sweet Jesus, my wattle's gettin' all sweaty just thinking about it!!!

Best cloaca in town, I'll betcha.

Hot.

Better wear a rubber, though. Don't want to catch the Asian Bird Flu.

Or the flap.

(rimshot)

You rang?

Actually, that was Henny Youngman. But I'm happy to see you anyway.
I see you've got the shot away. Good aim.