I may have found my calling.
Then again, I'm conflicted.
It is a bit problematic, ethically, legally and all.
I replied to this ad with a query.

oooof




Go for it, the fool deserves it.


(Think of Amerika)

I bet you could knock him on his ass.

?!?!?!?

Do you really want to have dinner with any guy who's idea of a pickup line is to please kick him in the nuts?

Sounds like this guy just wants to get dates. And film this stupid stunt for internet profit.

Translation: I found this porn site that shows guys getting off on having barefoot women kick 'em in the nads. Intrigued, I asked my girlfriend to do it, but she laughed at me.

I say go for it, Peeps.
First off, I have no doubt that you'll knock him on his ass. Cha-ching!
Screw dinner.
And I, for one, would jump at the chance to kick a random man in the Jackson Pollocks.
Not to mention a few I know.
Repeatedly.

And I'd do it for free.
Because I believe in being charitable.

Oh how I envy you this opportunity.

Sounds a lot like Lars.

Ha! We're all on the same page, it seems.
Abby's right on the money: Fuck dinner!
He wouldn't be going anywhere for a while anyway.
And yes, typically this is a service either of us would gladly provide free of charge.

I have Louchie's full blessing.
He sagely advised me to make the guy
hold the bill in his hands so he can't cup,
and, if he doesn't let go of it immediately on impact,
to kick him in the head twice as hard.
It's such a gift to have a supportive partner.

Any other pointers?

Make sure he isn't cheating and wearing a cup before you kick him. And look out for hidden cameras. I know this will end up all over the internet.

Sheeeyit. I'll do it for $50 if he puts it all over the Internet.
Good call on the cup. How on Earth do I verify that he isn't wearing one
without having him turn his head and cough?

It had better not be Lars.
That's the one guy I could never hope to drop.
He emits an aromatic substance that confuses his attackers.

Concerning the cup, make the bastard drop trou.
If he's up for having your bare feet thrust into his nads,
he shouldn't be embarassed about laying out his tackle.

Tackle? this is sounding more and more like a fishing trip.

Colorado spinner any one?

That's the kick she's going to use to splay his swimmer pouches around his throat.

I told my honey, shit yes, take the hunny. Get a gift certificate to Barnacle Bill's for the dinner.

So fuckin' what if it ends up on the Internet? Peeps droppin' some clown w/a 'nad shot? I'd love to have it on DVD.

And it can't be Lars. This guy has balls.

Liver, good advice on the head kick.
Peeps, you should do that just for fun anyway.
Then, when he instinctively curls up into the fetal position,
don't forget to give a swift kick to the kidneys for good measure.
When he's good and blacked out, steal anything of value.

I'll definitely be wanting video.

I'm undecided on which kick would be better.
Obviously a swing-kick, moving the foot from the ground up, would be easier for aim.
Those are weak, though, and the top of the foot is a poor striking surface.
Usually they're just used for stretching.
I had a decent side kick at one point.
If I employed it successfully, it would vindicate
my having once dislocated all of my left toes practicing it.
They always made us practice barefoot.

Just keep in mind that it's not so much the impact that's painful, rather the pressure between two objects (i.e. your foot and the rest of his crotch)

The sidekick would also push him more towards falling over. Straight up in the crotch just pushes him up.

Yeeees, Nepenthes, you are correct.

Peeps, use a rising kick (use that byatches weight against him). Be sure to rotate your supporting ankle inwards at the last second... the foot-on-nutz contact looks impressive, but I hear shin-on-ballz is where it's at.

Oh yeah... and aim for his navel with your shin, that way you're sure to get full extension right through his saggy ones.

You need stretchin' exercises too.
Leg straight out, toes extended, like a straight line,
that way you get full balls crunching.
But don't hit at a full 90degree angle,
you want about 75-80 degrees, that way you drive the testes
into the tailbone.
WOO-HOO! TALK ABOUT PAIN!!!!

Peeps is gonna be an expert at kicking guys in the crotch here soon.


...Remind me never to piss her off...

Oh, I have plenty of experience kicking guys. Being kicked by them, too.
Always with padding and never in the crotch, though.
This is gonna be fun.

And Tea, the reminder is already there for you, babe, thanks to Jack.

Advice? Have Louchie there. The laugh will do him good.

Heck, have everyone there. Sell tickets.

Would it be cheating to wear these?

The pusswad never contacted me after my second e-mail.
I'm not sure I could've hit a target that small anyway.

what's this about Scotsmen?

It's singular. Scotsman. From what I hear, he's pretty singular hizzownself.

Peeps is right, CG, it's singular.
Young Scotsman.
Teaching me Glaswegian.
I've discovered it's a lot like Ebonics. Only I'm pale enough to pull it off.
I just say och a lot, make fun of the English and Germans, and make Trainspotting references. It's working out nicely so far.

Until you go to Scotland and everyone
laughs at you for being an American
trying to pull off the slang.

Och, to fook wit ya, ya wee badgerlovin cunt.

Now say that like Sean Connery...

What a week!
I found a new apartment.
It's not depressing.
The neighborhood's not depressing either.
I survived a week-long test then celebrated by becoming an evacuee. Whee!

It was too early on a Saturday to go out in earnest,
so my buddy and I started at 4ish in the hotel.
Cooks in styrofam, baby.

Peeps!!!

Ain't no thing.
Got a brand-new bag.

Some man in underpants blew booze gelatin in my maw.
Danced until 2.
Ate hotdogs on the street,
then hung for a couple of hours with some other nice hotdog enthusiasts.
Around 4, we stumbled back to the hotel the long way.
The morning after found buddy and me up and quasifunctional, just in time
to check out and leave town with about 1.3 million other hung-over louts.

Our Sunday drive was a 16-hour amble
along the scenic backroutes
of lovely Mississippi and Alabama.

Hi, Jacky.

Did you stop by and visit with Crissy Puss?

No time. Too much revelry and natural disaster to be had in too short a time. Then again, my memory's not what it should be.

Did I miss much?

Peeps!!

Oh, sweet, darling, generous, helpful Peeps.

Save us!!!


Please!!!

I just saw opossum scared out onto the roads,
pandemonium; damned meanness in the deep south;
the meaningful, small kindnesses of strangers;
and human beings competing for food in America.
What you got to be saved from?

Stuff like this!

Um, no.

I used to try to save us all from stuff like that,
but all it ever earned me was chronic pissoffedness and a spreading butt.
Tell me why it matters.

I'll tell you why it matters Peeps!

It matters because of the look of hope in a young child's eyes!

It matters because there are still some good people left!

It matters because evil hasn't won yet!

It matters because the helpless still cry out into the night!

It matters because they still haven't found a tasty, fat free alternative to sugar!

And finally, it matters because we still have love, and love can triumph over anything!

That said, I'm glad you made it out of the danger zone, it looks pretty hairy down there.