While I don’t believe an excuse is necessary, sometimes it’s useful to have one at hand for any teetotalers in your life.

Today I saw a baby bird that had fallen from its nest to its death.
And it reminded me how short life is, and that we must enjoy every moment.

Actually, I thought, cool…I’ve got a new skeleton to add to my collection. Six of one, half dozen of the other.

In addition, I purchased a large quantity of beer as a reward system for packing and cleaning. Since I am way behind schedule on that one. I figure that if I pack and clean for two hours, I deserve a 12-pack.

It's Friday and I don't have to go in to the new gig until Monday, the wife is out of town and so I'm enjoying the company of a Weihenstephaner Hefe Weissbier to start what may prove to be an enjoyable if not short evening.

Um, I'm breathing.

Um, creativity, Cros.
This is about rationalizing your drinking to others.
Not us.

Like, "I got cabinets installed and my chiropractor gave me a happy ending today. Woohoo!"

That would be cool as my Borg name, wouldn't it? Nicely nonsensical, too.

Abby HEART geeks.

Your just jealous onacuz she’s got healing boobs.

You've just got bad karma.

Hah, you whimps have no stamina.

Screw booze.
I've found a new addiction today.
Native hot stone massage.

I was really not looking forward to having a stranger touch me.
It's just one of my things.
Never been a big fan of massage.

But I have to revise that opinion.

Holy mama, that was incredible.

Plus, I found two brand new erogenous zones.
In extremely surprising places.

Why am I drinking today? Well, I haven't drank any absinthe since I hung out with Geyboy a couple weeks ago. I hadn't had any before that for about a year. So I figured that I would try to get back into it somewhat, what with the new Eichle-stuff. I really like this CO. It's good.

Oh and I also had to chase somebody down with my garbage truck last night on my route. I didn't catch them though. My garbage truck is a piece of crap and doesn't corner well. Anyway, I'll see the A-hole on my route again and when I do I'm gonna get medieval on his ass.

Never fuck with a garbage man.

Why would anyone need to?

I irrational drinking.

'Bout time for me to have a pop tonight.
Got a shitload of work to do befor I can.
It's not like I'm charged with the burden of keeping a great city sanitary.
Just gotta put a lot of words next to other words.

Can we watch?

I would only allow onlookers for educational purposes.
So, no.

Back to rationalizing my drinking.
A cocktail will definitely be in order tonight.

Went through an old trunk I haven't opened in at least 10 years.
Like a mini archaeological dig in my living room.

Found lots of cool things...old photo albums, a pink candle in the shape of a tiolet, birdshot, old journals, and

this fucking painting (which I thought I burned years ago):

Someone's gotta drink all this stuff!

I LOVE IT!
Don't burn it; it is a classic.

If I remember correctly, this is where my fear of clowns began.
If you'd like it hanging in your humble abode, it's yours, Peeps.

Everyone I know in this town is sober right now, except Crosby.
I have to do what I can to balance the stats.

I've mixed my drinks way more than usual this week. Birthday parties in reserved rooms at bars. People bought me a lot of drinks without asking what I was having, and I've wound up at the end of most of nights with a voodoo sacrifice-boil stewing in my stomach.

This weekend I'm drinking only absinthe, and I started early both days. Common sense tells me this is the best plan.

I'd be willing to bet Cros has balanced out the stats for the entire state. Possibly a few neighboring ones.

Zee Sponge is in town.
It would be rude to not drink with him.
My Southern upbringing simply won't allow that kind of behavior.

Tell him to respond to some of the emails I've been sending.

Yer a regular Harlett O'Hara.

First, I spent two hours looking for red shoes. Finally settled on tap shoes.

Then, I just spent 45 minutes getting into my bridesmaid contraption. Hook and eye closure is the work of the devil, I say. The last five minutes were spent trying to put my shoes on blind. Too much poof for visual contact.

Jebus, that's hard work.

I deserve a great big helping of hooch today.

Still no cabinets, but I'm off to see the chiropractor.

Cheers to that!

Since most of y'all are guys, you prolly don't get the same emails.
But there's this one that circulates among women over and over and over again.
A series of inane questions, but each email is a bit different.

Yesterday, I got one that asked, "Scary movie or Happy Ending?"

None of my girlfriends got the joke.
So sad...

Fuck's sake. I always get the ones with the huge-eyed urchins and poorly Photoshopped floral arrangements, gleaming with pseudodew — messages stuffed to the brim with creepy pablum about how girlfriends are just so special. Apparently a few of mine are.

Most of my freinds know better.
It's the family that doesn't.
And I'm suddenly on my real estate agent's list for forwarded girlie crap.

I adore being female. The few exceptions include times when people think that means I relish this sort of feeble-minded crap. or when I get invited to a baby shower.

I keep a list of excuses stored in my mind for just those occasions.
I really don't tend to enjoy any event where the guest list is exclusively female.
Large groups of women tend to consume massive amounts of Chardonnay.
My research shows that this leads to stupid games.

Make a wedding dress out of toilet paper.
Make a baby from potatoes and pipe cleaners.
Pin the penis on the ugly-but-well-endowed man.

...decorate White Satin Balz™.

You drunk already?

Whadayouthink?

I suppose you could be drunk still.
That's why I asked.

What, you think all this booze is gonna drink itself?

As an aside, I started getting red splotchy face this week end after a night drinking in Philly.

I'm pretty sure it was the Jeager. And not the Tequila.

Sounds like you caught what Abby has.

I've also been informed I was spotted in the mens room at the urinal with my pants around my ankles.

I'm sure I owe someone an apology.

We've never even been alone in the chatroom together.
He didn't get it from me.

I told her she was too drunk to remember...

I've been lookin' at Manhattan, these days...

Abyssus abyssum invocat.

Sounds like you've got the same symptoms as Abby.

God that almost made me choke on my dinner.

Guess we'll have to try harder next time.