DEMOCRATIC
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.




REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?




SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.




COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.




CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.




BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.




AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.




FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.




JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.




GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.




ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.




RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.




TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan , which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.




IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.




POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.




BELGIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.
The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.




FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.




CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegals.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.

I've seen many variations of that joke,
but that's my favorite.

I can assure you that Belgian cows (be they Walloon or Flemish) are of the normal gender. Unless this was just a pathetic attempt at insulting a certain male Flemish person, of course.

To know whether a French-speaking cow is a Walloon cow or a French Community cow, by the way, you have to determine whether being a cow is a regional matter or a community matter (perhaps being a cow is a cultural matter?).

If she's a French community cow, she'll think she's French but the French will disagree.

If a cow is a Walloon cow, there's also the possibility she might actually be speaking German rather than French.

I fucking knew you were going to say that.

I like Seals.

I must take exception to the description of Florida, here, too.
Farther south, they may puzzle over which cow looks best
because they want to cast a vote.
Up north, here, it's usually because they want to have relations with it.

I just remember driving through Northern Florida and seeing billboards that said "Come to Bob's Catfish House, where Jesus is Lord". And then right behind that sign, there'd be one for some strip joint/truck stop all rolled into one.

Bet Bob's has fancy ashtrays too.

I'd hate it too if someone were stubbing one out on my face.

I like the sign in northern Arizona that says
"Be sure to see the GRAND CANYON, directly behind the IMAX theater"

I have that ashtray pictured above.

I still can't put out a butt on Jesus' face.

I said it before and I'll say it again....

The 3 or 4 crappy bars downtown are referred to as "the Strip." Louchie wanted to move nearby after reading a review for apartments near "the Strip clubs." You can imagine his diasappointment when I explained it to him.

Still doesn't beat Bob's Catfish and Jesus Freak House.
Hush puppies and proselytism.

Hush puppies and prophylactics more like.

Sounds like so many dates I've been on.

Yeah, I've dated many puppies, can't get the fucks to hush neither.

Sounds like the scene from Porky's with Kim Cattrall in the locker room.

Never seen it.

Mean either. Mist a lot of classic comedies.

Finally saw Caddyshack recently with Cros

The only things I've seen lately are Die Fledermaus and Un ballo in maschera. Over and over and over and over...

About those cows . . .

"Un ballo in maschera" amuses me.
Although I'll bet Mrs. Cros gets awful sore about your using up her mascara that way.