"It was announced in England that Tony Blair will leave as British Prime Minister in May. So, President Bush has toppled yet another government." --Jay Leno

"It's been reported that British Prime Minister Tony Blair is going to be stepping down next summer. After hearing about it, President Bush said, 'Damn, he's the only foreign guy who speaks American.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Karl Rove's new talking point for the Republicans is that the terrorists are like the Nazis, and anyone against the Iraq War is like the appeasers before World War II. If that doesn't work they're going to use Bush's analogy, where bin Laden is a Klingon and he's Captain Kirk." --Bill Maher

"Anti-war activist Cindy Sheehan has announced she's going to live in a tree house in Crawford, Texas. Now, you thought Bush liked to go to Crawford and clear brush and cut down trees before." --Jay Leno

"The president of Iran said today that all the liberals should be kicked out of all universities. I think we found the guy for Ann Coulter." --Jay Leno

"This week a new oil field was discovered under the Gulf of Mexico that could boost the U.S.' oil and gas reserves by 50%. Finally some good news for the oil companies." --Conan O'Brien

"Some good news today on the war on terror. We have captured al Qaeda's No. 2 man -- for the 47th time. See, our systems are so different. Over there, al Qaeda's No. 2 man is always getting captured and shot. Here, our No. 2 guy is the guy doing the shooting." --Jay Leno

"At the 2006 MTV Video Music Awards, former Vice President Al Gore lectured the audience about global warming. The Rock 'n' Roll audience cheered, gave him a standing ovation, and then they got in their stretch limos, went to the airport, got in their private jets, and flew home to Malibu." --Jay Leno

"Of course, President Bush came to the hurricane this week. He went back to New Orleans to try and put lipstick on that pig. Not easy because a third of the trash there still has not been picked up. And that's just the white trash. Some of this garbage is piled up so high you can barely see the 'Mission Accomplished' banner." --Bill Maher

"Good news -- the price of gasoline continues to fall. It's dropped 15 cents over the last two weeks. Gas prices have dropped so much that Dick Cheney was put on suicide watch." --Jay Leno

Jokes for the Week of Aug. 27-Sept. 2

"Today is the one-year anniversary of Hurricane Katrina. Not only that, it's the six-month anniversary of when President Bush found out about it." --Conan O'Brien

"Tuesday will mark the one-year anniversary of Hurricane Katrina -- the storm that nearly destroyed New Orleans. The White House's response to Katrina can best be filed under job comma 'heckuva.'" --Jon Stewart

"NBC anchor Brian Williams interviewed President Bush. He asked him about his poll numbers and President Bush said, 'The key for me is to keep expectations low.' I think you can accurately say, 'Mission Accomplished.'" --Jay Leno

"CNN, to mark the fifth anniversary of 9/11, is going to be re-playing their original coverage of that day. Let's just hope that President Bush doesn't tune in and go, 'Oh my God, they've done it again!'." --Bill Maher



"For years people have criticized the Bush administration for intelligence failures -- specifically, the president's failure to be intelligent. So, you can imagine my dismay when I read in U.S. World News & Report that a top insider said the president 'can't get enough of fart jokes. He's also known to cut a few for laughs.' The press is having a field day, but may I remind everyone that the previous president used an intern as a humidor, not as a joke." --Stephen Colbert

"The one-year anniversary of Hurricane Katrina hitting New Orleans was marked by President Bush with a moment of silence. A little different than a year ago, when President Bush marked the occasion by a week and a half of silence." --Jay Leno

"It's the one-year anniversary of the Hurricane Katrina disaster. President Bush was in New Orleans today speaking about the recovery effort. The president has been the subject of much criticism when it comes to how the government handled Katrina. But his message today was not of the past, it was one of the future for New Orleans [on screen: Bush saying, 'Are your ready for some football?']." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Astronomers think that the planet Earth will be sucked into a black hole, swallowed by a black hole. I believe the last time that happened, someone got impeached." --David Letterman

"A panel of scientists voted to kick Pluto out of the solar system. They tried to explain the science of this to President Bush, but then they got fed up and just told him it got destroyed by the Death Star." --Bill Maher

"Hey, Happy Birthday President Clinton. He turned 60 years old on Saturday. You know, President Clinton's at that age now when he stains the carpet, he's not even having fun." --Jay Leno

"President Bush said the United States is still under the threat of attack and will continue to be right up until Election Day." --Jay Leno

Jokes for the Week of Aug. 20-26

"Iran is really stepping up their nuclear program. Not only do they have the enriched uranium, they also developed the low-carb uranium." --David Letterman

"President Bush now says he does not care about Iran's nuclear program, as long as they're not developing a nuke-ular program." --David Letterman

"There's a recent study about human behavior and apparently, women are capable of making decisions about the character of men within a tenth of a second. Decisions often made without any rational thought. Yep and that's why we're in Iraq." --David Letterman

"The shaky cease-fire in Lebanon continues to hold out against all odds. The peace plan, which was hammered out by the French and the U.N., called for 15,000 peace keepers led by sizable French contingent. Turns out in French, sizable translates as 200 guys in rubber dingies. Now it's all very predictable. You can't blame the French -- they're just being French. Of course, it's no great loss. Honestly, the difference between 200 French troops and 15,000 French troops is just fewer French prisoners." --Stephen Colbert

Jokes for the Week of Aug. 13-19

"Did you have trouble at the airport this week? I had to throw away all my make-up. They said it's because of this terrorist plot they foiled over in England. I believe it's an elaborate ruse perpetrated by the big cosmetics industry. Maybe it's not terrorism. Maybe it's Maybelline." --Jimmy Kimmel

"The ground fighting is only one front in the war between Israel and Hezbollah. There's also the propaganda war. Today Hezbollah claimed the month of fighting represented divine victory. Israel claimed it had achieved many of its military objectives. So, it proves what I've been saying about this conflict all along -- it's a win-win." --Jon Stewart

"Good news from the White House. President Bush last week had his annual physical and he passed. He passed his annual physical. No word yet on the mental." --David Letterman

"On some flights the only thing airlines are letting you take on are a passport and cash. The passport, of course, for identification and the cash, so they can sell you a bottle of water for $20." --Jay Leno

"Now they're saying all this terrorist activity could lead to higher oil prices. When asked why, the oil companies said, 'Cause everything leads to higher oil prices.' In fact, the price of crude oil could hit $80 a barrel. That's not crude -- that's obscene." --Jay Leno

"Last Sunday night '60 Minutes' aired a disturbing Mike Wallace interview with Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. I don't like '60 Minutes' talking to our enemies. Everyone knows Iran is going to be our next global nemesis. They need to be isolated like North Korea, so they have time to blossom into a full blown opponent. An evil souffle needs time to rise." --Stephen Colbert

"According to reports, Fidel Castro is alert and being briefed. And I'm thinking, why didn't we get a president like that?" --David Letterman

"Big news on the international front this morning. A cease-fire went into effect between Israel and Hezbollah. Total disaster. We are no longer on the road to World War III. Jesus was half way here. Now he has to turn his cloud of glory and go back to heaven -- and it does not get good mileage. Here's the worst part. Guess who brokered this peace in the Middle East? The U.S. and the French working through the UN. The only non-offensive word in that sentence is 'through.'." --Stephen Colbert

"Between you and me, I don't know what 'macaca' means, but it sure as s--- sounds racist. And here in Virginia, I'm still not sure if that helps or hurts a guy." --Rob Corddry

"According to a recent poll, more Americans can name the seven dwarfs than can name the nine Supreme Court justices. Strangely, Justice Souter is on both lists." --David Letterman

Jokes For the Week of Aug. 6-12

"They're not letting people on planes anymore with liquids or beverages of any kind. That's why there are these huge delays. The pilots are hanging around the gate chugging their beers. … In fact in London you can't even bring toothpaste on the plane, which I guess for the English is not that big a problem. … You can't bring hair gel. How is Al Sharpton going to fly?" --Jay Leno

"When President Bush is down on his ranch, he likes to spend his time clearing brush and chopping wood, because no matter how much legislation you pass to cut down trees, there's nothing like destroying them with your own hands." --Jay Leno

"President Bush flew out to his prairie-chapel ranch in Crawford, Texas, to begin his eleven-day vacation. It's not really a ranch. There's no cows or horses. It's more like an estate. But ranch sounds better. You know like when you call Iraq a democracy. It sounds better." --Jay Leno

"A lot of people thought Joe Lieberman lost because of the kiss that President Bush gave him at the State of the Union Address. So let that be a little lesson for all you Democratic senators out there. You want to keep your job, don't make out with President Bush in public." --Jay Leno

"Last week I invited Connecticut Senator Joe Lieberman to come on my show and rebut his challenger Ned Lamont who was a guest here on the show. We went to extraordinary lengths to make sure the senator felt welcome. But folks, he turned us down, which I assume is the reason he lost yesterday's Democratic primary. Take note Congressmen who will not talk to me, I'm sure your challengers will. Fair warning. Senator Lieberman I want you to know that even though you lost, here at the 'Report' we will always have a seat for you in the audience." --Stephen Colbert

"As Pentagon officials continue working on their plan to have Iraq hug it out, foreign entanglements have left our army stretched to the breaking point. And last week it was disclosed that poor equipment and insufficient training have left two-thirds of both the Army and National Guard's combat force unready for combat. To put that in context: For every G.I. Joe our army has, we also have one Gomer Pyle and one Beetle Bailey." --Jon Stewart

"President Bush traveled to his ranch in Texas for a ten-day vacation. The president said now is the perfect time to take a vacation when everything in the world is running so smoothly." --Conan O'Brien

"Senator Hillary Clinton went after Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, really went after him. She said he had a bad track record, and she asked him why she should trust him. Get the feeling maybe she's been burned by a guy before." --Jay Leno

"The New York Times reported this story: on a trip to Estonia Senators McCain and Hillary Clinton got into a vodka-drinking contest. No, no, see that shows you how two sides can get together. When a McCain and a Clinton can both end up acting like a Kennedy. When Hillary asked him if he wanted to go out for a cold one, Senator McCain said no thanks, I'm married." --Jay Leno

Jokes for the Week of July 30-Aug. 5

"There's now a 48-hour cease-fire going on in the Middle East. Israel will stop attacking Hezbollah, but Hezbollah will not necessarily agree to stop attacking Israel. Hey, we can't even get Mel Gibson to stop attacking Israel." --Jay Leno

"President Bush, has rejected calls for an immediate cease-fire on the grounds that he'd prefer a 'sustainable cease-fire.' It makes sense. He doesn't want the killing to stop until he's sure it will stop. So, there will be more killing until the president's convinced that there will be no more killing. Or everyone else runs out of people." --Jon Stewart, on the Middle East conflict

"Cuban dictator Fidel Castro is still in the hospital with a serious medical condition. Castro said that a half century of Communist rule seemed like a good idea right up until the point he was rushed to the hospital in a '55 Oldsmobile." --Conan O'Brien

"In a speech in Florida President Bush praised all the contributions Cubans have made to America: catching, hitting, outfielding, shortstop. These were all major, major contributions." --Jay Leno

"President Bush had his annual medical exam this week. The doctors said the president remains in excellent health and is fit for duty. In fact so fit today the National Guard called and said 'So how about serving your time now?' ... The doctors said his heart rate, blood pressure and cholesterol are all pretty good. The only bad number is his approval rating." --Jay Leno

"On Friday, President Bush held a press conference with British Prime Minister Tony Blair and then he met with the 'American Idol,' Taylor Hicks. Those are our two last remaining allies apparently." --Jay Leno

"This Taylor Hicks. You know who he is? He's the big 'American Idol' winner and he won by 4 million votes more than President Bush won his election. Coincidentally, so did Al Gore." --David Letterman

"An Inconvenient Truth: "There has never been a better time for a movie about global warming set inside an air-conditioned theater than right now." --Jimmy Kimmel

"And for the most ridiculous story of the week. This week, Ann Coulter said Bill Clinton is gay. I got to admit he hides it pretty well. Ann Coulter thinks Bill Clinton is gay? But she also thinks George Bush is smart, so you gotta take it with a grain of salt." --Jay Leno

"Tonight's Word: Wikiality. I'm no fan of reality [on screen: It Has A Liberal Bias]. And I'm no fan of encyclopedias [on screen: Just Fat-Ass Dictionaries]. I've said it before. Who is Britannica to tell me that George Washington had slaves? If I want to say he didn't, that's my right. And now, thanks to Wikipedia, it's now a fact [on screen: Wikipedia Can Tell A Lie]. We should apply these principles to all information. All we need to do is convince a majority of people that some factoid is true." --Stephen Colbert (Watch video clip)

Jokes for the Week of July 23-29

"Humanitarian aid in the U.S. has begun arriving in Lebanon. The U.S. Government sent 10,000 medical kits, 20,000 blankets, $30 million cash, and today the people of New Orleans said: 'They did what?'" --Jay Leno

"Another day in the Middle East. Obviously the cease-fire fell through, talks fell apart, they lasted about two hours. Even the O.J. jury managed to meet longer than that." --Jon Stewart

"You know Ann Coulter? She was on CNBC today and she said 'Bill Clinton is gay.' Please, just because she's the only woman on the planet he wouldn't have sex with doesn't make him gay." --Jay Leno

"And this Friday, 'American Idol' winner Taylor Hicks will go to the White House and meet the President of the United States. Say what you want about Bush, he knows how to delegate. 'Condoleezza you go to Beirut, I'm going to be meeting with the 'American Idol' on Friday'." --Jay Leno

"How 'bout that Saddam Hussein? I'm beginning to think the guy's wacky. He announced that if he's found guilty he would like to be shot. Sounds like a job for Cheney." --David Letterman

"President Bush has been very clear that, through his leadership, he has made the world safer. My question to you is simply this: how much safer can the world afford to have him make us?" --Jon Stewart, to Sen. John McCain

"Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton made an interesting statement. She said technology's getting so intrusive, she feared that soon American children will one day have a computer chip implanted in their brains. She said she is against that idea, however, she said she wouldn't mind having a low-jack installed in Bill's ass." --Jay Leno

"We won the Miss Universe pageant. Meet Miss Puerto Rico, or as I call her, Miss 'U.S.A.'s Territory with Commonwealth Status' Puerto Rico. She is so beautiful, you almost want to let her vote in federal elections." --Stephen Colbert

"John Kerry said today that if he were president, the current conflict in the Middle East would not be happening. Then his wife, Teresa, said, 'Yes, I know, dear. Just take out the trash.'" --Jay Leno

"Earlier today, former President Bill Clinton campaigned for Sen. Joe Lieberman. Clinton got the crowd so worked up that they had trouble sleeping through the Lieberman speech." --David Letterman

"Despite the heat, President Bush is keeping busy. Earlier this week at the White House, President Bush met with the Prime Minister of India. There was an awkward moment when Bush asked the Indian Prime Minister, 'Now that you're here, could you see why my computer is acting up?'" --Conan O'Brien

"Did you see the weather map today on the back of USA Today? I have never seen this before, all the states are red. It's like Karl Rove's dream come true." --Jay Leno