Full Version: How exactly do i "amuse you"? VI
NO it can't be true
You really need to come to the States.
The big zoo on my left ??
Does that make the UK the little zoo on your left?
One time in heaven Saint Peter says to Jesus, "I'm going on vacation and I want you to watch the pearly gates. Anybody who comes by, you ask the questions and decide if they may enter." And Jesus says, "No problemo."
So Jesus was conducting an interview when he spied a blind and very old man coming toward him. And Jesus said unto him, "Tell me about your life." And the old man said, "I remember next to nothing about my life, except that I had a son who was very famous on the earth, and that I was a carpenter."
Jesus thought, "A son, very famous, and he was a carpenter. Could this be Joseph?" Jesus, with his eyes full of tears, said, "Father?" And the old man, touching the face of Jesus said, "Is that you, Pinocchio?"
So Jesus was conducting an interview when he spied a blind and very old man coming toward him. And Jesus said unto him, "Tell me about your life." And the old man said, "I remember next to nothing about my life, except that I had a son who was very famous on the earth, and that I was a carpenter."
Jesus thought, "A son, very famous, and he was a carpenter. Could this be Joseph?" Jesus, with his eyes full of tears, said, "Father?" And the old man, touching the face of Jesus said, "Is that you, Pinocchio?"
An old Lewis Grizzard joke:
Three preachers and their wives were on a cross-country trip in an RV. As fate had it, they ran off the road and rolled down a steep embankment. All aboard the RV died.
They went to the Pearly Gates where they were met by St. Peter.
The first couple came up to the gate.
“Sir, you were a pious man, but you were a lustful man. You never had any money, but you lusted for it, and that’s just the same. In fact, you lusted for money so much that you didn’t marry until you met a woman named Penny,” And they were turned away.
The second couple met with St. Peter.
“Sir, you were a pious man, but also a lustful man. You never drank, but you lusted for alcohol and that’s just the same. In fact, you lusted for alcohol so much that you didn’t marry until you met a woman named Sherry.” And they were turned away.
The third preacher, having heard all of this, turned to his wife and said, “Hell, Fanny, you and me may as well get outta here now.”
Three preachers and their wives were on a cross-country trip in an RV. As fate had it, they ran off the road and rolled down a steep embankment. All aboard the RV died.
They went to the Pearly Gates where they were met by St. Peter.
The first couple came up to the gate.
“Sir, you were a pious man, but you were a lustful man. You never had any money, but you lusted for it, and that’s just the same. In fact, you lusted for money so much that you didn’t marry until you met a woman named Penny,” And they were turned away.
The second couple met with St. Peter.
“Sir, you were a pious man, but also a lustful man. You never drank, but you lusted for alcohol and that’s just the same. In fact, you lusted for alcohol so much that you didn’t marry until you met a woman named Sherry.” And they were turned away.
The third preacher, having heard all of this, turned to his wife and said, “Hell, Fanny, you and me may as well get outta here now.”
What about eating candy?
>> A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket, and
>> >> asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that
>> >> department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.
>> >>
>> >> The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.
>> >>
>> >> Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some ass
>> >> hole wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his
>> >> sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he
>> >> added:
>> >>
>> >> "And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."
>> >>
>> >> The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.
>> >>
>> >> Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you
>> >> got yourself out of that situation earlier.
>> >>
>> >> We like people who think on their feet here. "Where are you from,
>> >> son?"
>> >>
>> >> "Alabama, sir," the boy replied.
>> >>
>> >> "Well, why did you leave Alabama?" the manager asked.
>> >>
>> >> The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and football players
>> >> there."
>> >>
>> >> "Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Alabama."
>> >>
>> >> "No shit?" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"
>> >> asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that
>> >> department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.
>> >>
>> >> The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.
>> >>
>> >> Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some ass
>> >> hole wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his
>> >> sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he
>> >> added:
>> >>
>> >> "And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."
>> >>
>> >> The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.
>> >>
>> >> Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you
>> >> got yourself out of that situation earlier.
>> >>
>> >> We like people who think on their feet here. "Where are you from,
>> >> son?"
>> >>
>> >> "Alabama, sir," the boy replied.
>> >>
>> >> "Well, why did you leave Alabama?" the manager asked.
>> >>
>> >> The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and football players
>> >> there."
>> >>
>> >> "Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Alabama."
>> >>
>> >> "No shit?" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"
Now, here's a money shot.
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and now for something different . . .
I thought for sure that would get a rise out of Abby.
Ah well, I'll have to keep trying.
Ah well, I'll have to keep trying.
Oh, I think you know what I'd say.
And how hard I'd punch you.
And how hard I'd punch you.
Funny, last time I talked to you, you were cooking dinner. Is it domestic bliss, or are you giving in to your nesting instinct?
We both like to cook.
Unfortunately, when he cooks,
I'm often subjected to English food.
Even you'd pick up a spatula under those circumstances.
And I have no nesting instinct.
What I have is a raging case of acid reflux every time I see all the boxes around here.
Unfortunately, when he cooks,
I'm often subjected to English food.
Even you'd pick up a spatula under those circumstances.
And I have no nesting instinct.
What I have is a raging case of acid reflux every time I see all the boxes around here.
You're being too nice. Express your rage, he'll flee and the problem will be solved.
I'm too lazy to have rage, much less express it.
QUOTE(A.B. Normal @ Feb 6 2007, 11:43 AM) 
English food
She's lovin' the spotted dick.
I don't spot it as often as you would think.
Hmmmm.
it's a piddle wrapped inside an enema.
Butt enough about H.
On being married a long time ...
When I was married 34 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said,
"Honey, 34 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a
sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep
every night with a hot 20-year-old."
"Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but
I'm sleeping with a 55-year-old woman. It seems to me that you are not
holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a
hot 20-year-old, and she would make sure that I would once again be
living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed
and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve a mid-life crisis.
When I was married 34 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said,
"Honey, 34 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a
sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep
every night with a hot 20-year-old."
"Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but
I'm sleeping with a 55-year-old woman. It seems to me that you are not
holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a
hot 20-year-old, and she would make sure that I would once again be
living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed
and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve a mid-life crisis.
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