Full Version: How exactly do i "amuse you"? VI
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Magical drinking tiara?
The Dog House...
Gimpy delivering a present this Christmas...
I can't beleive it !
Hey Tobi :
Hey Tobi :
When you're trying to write believe...
Fais Gaffe, Putain!
Fais Gaffe, Putain!
More things that bring Gimpy to mind:
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QUOTE(sixela @ Jan 3 2007, 02:19 PM) 
When you're trying to write believe...
Fais gaffe, Putain!
And when you're trying to write "Fais gaffe, putain[space]!"...
Y'all talkin' 'bout sum Rooskie fuck?
I think that was Grass Putain.
Or was that Raz Putain?
Ras Putain?
Or was that Raz Putain?
Ras Putain?
Picnic?
Out Fishin...
What's in his pantry:
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I'm cleaning out my email folder:
Subject: Ted Nugent on Deer Hunting
Ted Nugent, a heavy metal guitar legend and devoted bow hunter, was interviewed by a French journalist. Eventually the conversation turned to his love of outdoor pursuits. The journalist asked, "What do you think the last thought is in the head of a deer before you shoot it? Is it, 'Are you my friend?' or maybe 'Are you the one who killed my brother?'"
Nugent replied, "They aren't capable of that kind of thinking.
All they care about is, 'What am I going to eat next?
Who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away?'
They're pretty much like the French in that way."
Subject: Ted Nugent on Deer Hunting
Ted Nugent, a heavy metal guitar legend and devoted bow hunter, was interviewed by a French journalist. Eventually the conversation turned to his love of outdoor pursuits. The journalist asked, "What do you think the last thought is in the head of a deer before you shoot it? Is it, 'Are you my friend?' or maybe 'Are you the one who killed my brother?'"
Nugent replied, "They aren't capable of that kind of thinking.
All they care about is, 'What am I going to eat next?
Who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away?'
They're pretty much like the French in that way."
Ted Nugget is a Norom™ anyway
I don't know what's more sad- that this site exists, or that I watched like 5 of their videos...
QUOTE
And when you're trying to write "Fais gaffe, putain[space]!"...
Corrected (but Not the Way you Wanted).
QUOTE(mthuilli @ Jan 5 2007, 06:04 PM)
And when you're trying to write "Fais gaffe, putain[space]!"...
That [space] shouldn't be a space, but an unbreakable thin space ("une espace fine insécable"), or¹ an en space ("un demi cadratin"), depending on the French typographical standard used. The usual breaking or non-breaking space is much too wide.
"&x202F;" is un unbreakable space. But as it isn't implemented well in all browsers, some W3C guidelines tell you to simply omit it.
--
¹The use of the Oxford comma is entirely intentional.
Sic-os.
[sic]-oes?
Well, yes, if you must be precise.
Either that or the preferred breakfast cereal of grammarians.
Can you pick out young Batemaster?
Front row, middle.
That's me to his right.
That's me to his right.
An 81 year old guy that loves to fish was sitting in his
boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up."
He looked around and couldn't see any one.
He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say
again, Pick me up."
He looked in the water and there, floating on the top,
was a frog.
The man said, "Are you talking to me?"
The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up.
Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful
woman you have ever seen. I'll then give you more
pleasure that you ever could have dreamed of."
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached
over, Picked it up carefully, and placed it in his
front breast pocket.
Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you
hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will give you
pleasures like you have never had."
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,
"Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."
boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up."
He looked around and couldn't see any one.
He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say
again, Pick me up."
He looked in the water and there, floating on the top,
was a frog.
The man said, "Are you talking to me?"
The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up.
Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful
woman you have ever seen. I'll then give you more
pleasure that you ever could have dreamed of."
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached
over, Picked it up carefully, and placed it in his
front breast pocket.
Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you
hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will give you
pleasures like you have never had."
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,
"Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."
But about the Powerball, my advice to you’s is best illustrated by this little story:
So Leo goes to temple, gets down on his knees and prays, “Dear God, I work hard but my business is ferkakta, my wife’s acting strange and my daughter, you don’t want to know. Would it be so terrible, maybe I could win the lottery?” The next week Leo’s back and on his knees, “God, my wife, she’s moving out and I’m getting audited by the IRS. My daughter, she’s running around with a such a schmutzbag. Would it be so terrible, I could maybe win the lottery?”
And the week after that, Leo’s back. “God, now I find my business partner ran off with my wife, and I have to pay the taxes with money I don’t have ’cause she cleaned out the bank accounts. And my daughter, now she’s pregnant by that no-goodnik and he’s disappeared. God, would it be so bad that I might win the lottery?” Then, a beam of light came blazing through the window as the clouds parted and a voice boomed down from the heavens: “Hey, nebbish, meet me half way on this one, and BUY A FUCKING TICKET!!!”
So Leo goes to temple, gets down on his knees and prays, “Dear God, I work hard but my business is ferkakta, my wife’s acting strange and my daughter, you don’t want to know. Would it be so terrible, maybe I could win the lottery?” The next week Leo’s back and on his knees, “God, my wife, she’s moving out and I’m getting audited by the IRS. My daughter, she’s running around with a such a schmutzbag. Would it be so terrible, I could maybe win the lottery?”
And the week after that, Leo’s back. “God, now I find my business partner ran off with my wife, and I have to pay the taxes with money I don’t have ’cause she cleaned out the bank accounts. And my daughter, now she’s pregnant by that no-goodnik and he’s disappeared. God, would it be so bad that I might win the lottery?” Then, a beam of light came blazing through the window as the clouds parted and a voice boomed down from the heavens: “Hey, nebbish, meet me half way on this one, and BUY A FUCKING TICKET!!!”
Bob: You guys are reminding me of a little story I heard the other day: So these three gals died on the same day and were brought to the gates of heaven. Upon entering the gate they were halted by St. Peter and his obedient angel. St. Peter says to the gals, “Before entering, you must all answer a simple question.” So St. Pete asks the first gal, “Have you been a good girl?” And she says, “Oh yes, I was a virgin before I got married, and was still virgin even after I got married.”
Ernie: What the fuck.
Bob: Please hold your comments ’til I’m finished, knobshine, or you’re going to dick with the timing here. So St. Peter says to the first gal, “Very good my dear. Angel, give to this woman the golden key, and enter Heaven.” Now the second gal, St. Peter asks, “Have you been a good girl?” And she says, “Oh, quite good. I was a virgin before I got married but was not after I got married.” St. Pete says, “Very well. Angel, give to this woman the silver key, and enter Heaven.”
And naturally, St. Peter asks the third gal, “Have you been a good girl?” Third gal says, “Oh no, not at all I’d have to say. I had sex with every guy I met, before and after I got married. You could say I practically screwed anything that moved, anywhere, anytime.” St. Peter says, “I see. Angel, would you please give to this young lady, my room key.”
Ernie: What the fuck.
Bob: Please hold your comments ’til I’m finished, knobshine, or you’re going to dick with the timing here. So St. Peter says to the first gal, “Very good my dear. Angel, give to this woman the golden key, and enter Heaven.” Now the second gal, St. Peter asks, “Have you been a good girl?” And she says, “Oh, quite good. I was a virgin before I got married but was not after I got married.” St. Pete says, “Very well. Angel, give to this woman the silver key, and enter Heaven.”
And naturally, St. Peter asks the third gal, “Have you been a good girl?” Third gal says, “Oh no, not at all I’d have to say. I had sex with every guy I met, before and after I got married. You could say I practically screwed anything that moved, anywhere, anytime.” St. Peter says, “I see. Angel, would you please give to this young lady, my room key.”
So these two younger people, David and Lisa were both patients at the mental hospital. One day they were walking past the hospital swimming pool and David decides to jump into the deep end. He sinks to the bottom and stays there. So Lisa quickly jumps in to save him. She swims to the bottom and pulls David out. When the medical director heard about Lisa’s heroic act, he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, ’cause he figures she must be recovered and ready for life outside the institution.
So he summons Lisa to his office and says, “Lisa, I have good news, and unfortunately, some bad news. The good news is you’re being discharged because I believe you’ve achieved the foresight needed to rejoin society. However, the bad news is that David, the patient you saved from drowning, has hung himself from the curtain rod in the shower with his bathrobe belt. I am so sorry, but he’s dead.” And Lisa says, “I don’t mean to differ, doctor, but David didn’t hang himself. He was sopping wet, so I put him there to dry.” Ba-ding!
So he summons Lisa to his office and says, “Lisa, I have good news, and unfortunately, some bad news. The good news is you’re being discharged because I believe you’ve achieved the foresight needed to rejoin society. However, the bad news is that David, the patient you saved from drowning, has hung himself from the curtain rod in the shower with his bathrobe belt. I am so sorry, but he’s dead.” And Lisa says, “I don’t mean to differ, doctor, but David didn’t hang himself. He was sopping wet, so I put him there to dry.” Ba-ding!
Story about an Oklahoma State Trooper:
In most of the United States, there is a policy of checking on any stalled vehicle on the highway when the temperatures drop down to single digits or below.
About 3 AM, one very cold morning, Trooper Allan Nixon responded to a call there was a car off the shoulder of the road outside Shattuck . He located the car, stuck in deep snow, and with the engine still running. Pulling in behind the car with his emergency lights on, the Trooper walked to the driver's door to find an older man passed out behind the wheel with a nearly empty vodka bottle on the seat beside him.
The driver came awake when the Trooper tapped on the window. Seeing the rotating lights in his rearview mirror, and the State Trooper standing next to his car, the man panicked. He jerked the gearshift into 'drive' and hit the gas. The car's speedometer was showing 20-30-40 and then 50 mph, but it was still stuck in the snow, wheels spinning.
Trooper Nixon, having a sense of humor, began running in place next to the "speeding," but still stationary car. The driver was totally freaked, thinking the Trooper was actually keeping up with him. This goes on for about 30 seconds, then the Trooper yelled, "Pull over!"
The man obeyed, turned his wheel and stopped the engine. Needless to say, the man from Dumas, Texas was arrested, and is probably still shaking his head over the State Trooper in Oklahoma who could run 50 miles per hour.
In most of the United States, there is a policy of checking on any stalled vehicle on the highway when the temperatures drop down to single digits or below.
About 3 AM, one very cold morning, Trooper Allan Nixon responded to a call there was a car off the shoulder of the road outside Shattuck . He located the car, stuck in deep snow, and with the engine still running. Pulling in behind the car with his emergency lights on, the Trooper walked to the driver's door to find an older man passed out behind the wheel with a nearly empty vodka bottle on the seat beside him.
The driver came awake when the Trooper tapped on the window. Seeing the rotating lights in his rearview mirror, and the State Trooper standing next to his car, the man panicked. He jerked the gearshift into 'drive' and hit the gas. The car's speedometer was showing 20-30-40 and then 50 mph, but it was still stuck in the snow, wheels spinning.
Trooper Nixon, having a sense of humor, began running in place next to the "speeding," but still stationary car. The driver was totally freaked, thinking the Trooper was actually keeping up with him. This goes on for about 30 seconds, then the Trooper yelled, "Pull over!"
The man obeyed, turned his wheel and stopped the engine. Needless to say, the man from Dumas, Texas was arrested, and is probably still shaking his head over the State Trooper in Oklahoma who could run 50 miles per hour.
Fun With Regulations
A woman from Los Angeles, who was a tree hugger purchased a piece of timberland. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.
In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"
He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area.
I'm sorry, but they turned me down."
A woman from Los Angeles, who was a tree hugger purchased a piece of timberland. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.
In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"
He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area.
I'm sorry, but they turned me down."
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A woman awakes during the night to find that her
Husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe
And goes downstairs to look for him. She finds
Him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup
Of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in
Deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and
Takes a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter, dear", she whispers as she
Steps into the room. "Why are you down here at
This time of night"?
The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you
Remember 20 Years ago when we were dating, and
You were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her
Husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes I do!"
She replies.
The husband paused. The words were not coming
Easily. "Do you remember when your father caught
Us in the back seat of my car making love?"
"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself
Into a chair beside him.
The husband continued.......
"Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my
Face and said, 'either you marry my daughter, or
I will send you to jail for 20 years'?"
"I remember that too" she replied softly. He
Wiped another tear from his cheek and said......
"I would have gotten out today."
Husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe
And goes downstairs to look for him. She finds
Him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup
Of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in
Deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and
Takes a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter, dear", she whispers as she
Steps into the room. "Why are you down here at
This time of night"?
The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you
Remember 20 Years ago when we were dating, and
You were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her
Husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes I do!"
She replies.
The husband paused. The words were not coming
Easily. "Do you remember when your father caught
Us in the back seat of my car making love?"
"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself
Into a chair beside him.
The husband continued.......
"Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my
Face and said, 'either you marry my daughter, or
I will send you to jail for 20 years'?"
"I remember that too" she replied softly. He
Wiped another tear from his cheek and said......
"I would have gotten out today."
Millionaire UK.
American contestant.
First question.
Final Answer.
American contestant.
First question.
Final Answer.
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