Full Version: How exactly do i "amuse you"? Poorly.
They were also taken on what they thought were poodle skirts.
Once upon a time there was a little yellow toad crying in the forest. The Good Witch came along and asked the little yellow toad, "Why are you crying, my friend?"
The little yellow toad said, "All my friends are green and I'm yellow.I want to be green like all my friends... sniff, sniff."
The Good Witch replied, "No problem!"
And she tapped the little yellow toad with her magic wand and the little yellow toad turned green... all except his private parts, which remained yellow.
"Oh no!!" exclaimed the little toad, "I can't go through life all green except for my private parts! You have to make me green all over!"
The Good Witch said, "Sorry, I don't do private parts.
You
will have to go see the Wizard!"
So, off the little toad went to see the Wizard.
The Good Witch continued on into the forest where she came upon a little brown squirrel crying very hard.
"Why are you crying, little brown squirrel?" the Good Witch asked.
"Because," said the little brown squirrel, "all my friends are red and I want to be red, too...sniff, sniff."
"No problem!" said the Good Witch.
And she tapped the little brown squirrel and turned him red... all except his private parts, which remained brown.
"Oh, no!!" exclaimed the little squirrel, "I can't go through life all red except my private parts! You have to make me red all over!"
But the Good Witch said, "Sorry, I don't do private parts.
You
will have to go see the Wizard!"
But the little squirrel started crying harder and said, "But I'm new around here! I don't know the Wizard! How will I find him??"
And the Good Witch said, "Oh, that's easy! Just follow the yellow dick toad...."
The little yellow toad said, "All my friends are green and I'm yellow.I want to be green like all my friends... sniff, sniff."
The Good Witch replied, "No problem!"
And she tapped the little yellow toad with her magic wand and the little yellow toad turned green... all except his private parts, which remained yellow.
"Oh no!!" exclaimed the little toad, "I can't go through life all green except for my private parts! You have to make me green all over!"
The Good Witch said, "Sorry, I don't do private parts.
You
will have to go see the Wizard!"
So, off the little toad went to see the Wizard.
The Good Witch continued on into the forest where she came upon a little brown squirrel crying very hard.
"Why are you crying, little brown squirrel?" the Good Witch asked.
"Because," said the little brown squirrel, "all my friends are red and I want to be red, too...sniff, sniff."
"No problem!" said the Good Witch.
And she tapped the little brown squirrel and turned him red... all except his private parts, which remained brown.
"Oh, no!!" exclaimed the little squirrel, "I can't go through life all red except my private parts! You have to make me red all over!"
But the Good Witch said, "Sorry, I don't do private parts.
You
will have to go see the Wizard!"
But the little squirrel started crying harder and said, "But I'm new around here! I don't know the Wizard! How will I find him??"
And the Good Witch said, "Oh, that's easy! Just follow the yellow dick toad...."
For Nymphadora:
Yes, we blondes are more adept at taking off our clothes than putting them on.
Damn it, Crosby! I haven't slept with you so I can't make fun of your genitalia in response. (sigh)
Damn it, Crosby! I haven't slept with you so I can't make fun of your genitalia in response. (sigh)
You can't? What's holding you back?
[And now let's see if anyone can still make sense of that little exchange]
[And now let's see if anyone can still make sense of that little exchange]
I've already met my quota for the month.
Low quota.
...
Wait for me to open a beer if you're gonna poke the bear.
Mmmmm. Beer.
Hell, Gimp, I say we open one anyway.
...
Top 6 for '06
SMARTASS ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline. "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
"What are my choices?" John asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.
SMARTASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."
SMARTASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
SMARTASS ANSWER #3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
SMARTASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
SMARTASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2006
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
SMARTASS ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline. "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
"What are my choices?" John asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.
SMARTASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."
SMARTASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
SMARTASS ANSWER #3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
SMARTASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
SMARTASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2006
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
Tom's newest friend:
A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Have you been in the service?"
Yes,"he says". I was in the armed forces for three years." The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment" and then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes, 100%. A mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off."
The interviewer tells the guy, "OK" I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 AM. til 4:00 PM. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 AM. The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 AM to 4:00 PM, then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 AM"?
"This is a government job", the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we stand around scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."
Yes,"he says". I was in the armed forces for three years." The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment" and then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes, 100%. A mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off."
The interviewer tells the guy, "OK" I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 AM. til 4:00 PM. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 AM. The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 AM to 4:00 PM, then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 AM"?
"This is a government job", the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we stand around scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."
Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip
that can store and play music in women's breast implants. The
i-Breast will cost $499 to $599 depending on size. This is
considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always
complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
that can store and play music in women's breast implants. The
i-Breast will cost $499 to $599 depending on size. This is
considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always
complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
Next month, they're coming out with a related product called "earmuffs"
I cannot wait.
mmffg
Butt, I do like listening to the iBreasts.
I like changing tracks and shuffleplay.
For a moment, I was reading you liked foreplay - but of course, that was so wrong that I snapped out of it very soon.
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