Tom Cruise Scientology Parody

best of craigslist > philadelphia > It's me! Every girl ever.
Originally Posted: Wed, 7 Nov 10:38 EST
It's me! Every girl ever.

Date: 2007-11-07, 10:38AM EST


Knock knock

Oh hi, how's it going? It's me! Every girl ever. I'm really looking forward to this date. I'm not nearly as attractive as you remember me being because when we met the bar was dark and you were drunk. Come on in.

Let's start off with the unavoidable tour of my incredibly typical post-college-girl apartment.

You'll notice that I went ahead and purchased everything that Ikea and Pier 1 have ever produced. There's my decorative birdcage over there even though I don't have a bird, and there's my gay wicker basket with bamboo poles in it. I don't know what the hell that's thing's all about, but I bought it.

Hey check it out, I have more candles in here than a Roman Catholic Church. Doesn't it smell like Hazelnut!? If I were to light all of my candles at once you could see my apartment from space! I fucking love candles!

Come on into the living room.

Oh, I see you met my cat there. That's "Freddy Paws Jr." Why don't you pet him and act like you like cats even though you hate cats? There you go. Oh, he took a little swing at your eye there huh? Yeah, he'll do that. Hey, let's check out the kitchen.

Hey look at my refrigerator. There are pictures all over it! Look at all these pictures of me and my equally vacuous friends from college! We were so crazy! You can tell we're really good friends because our faces are all pressed up against each other like that.

And check it out, we're holding up alcoholic beverages to the camera in every single picture. That's to prove that we were partying. College was so fun! But of course I don't talk to any of these girls anymore because now they're all bitches.

Let's go back into the hallway!

Hey, before we leave I'm going to go in the bathroom for ten minutes for some mysterious reason. Why don't you sit awkwardly in my big, stupid, round papizan chair over there while you wait for me. It's like you're sitting in a hug! Be right back...

Sorry that took a half an hour, I don't know what the hell I was doing in there. Let's go!

Wow! Thanks for opening my car door for me! I'm totally going to blow that meaningless gesture out of proportion and delude myself into thinking that you're a really good guy because that's what I want to believe.

Well, here we are at the restaurant. No thanks waiter, I don't need to see a menu, just bring me some expensive things. Hey I know, while we wait, I'll tell you all about my unspeakably boring job. I hate my boss. He's a jerk! I might get another job. Maybe something in pharmaceutical sales.

Now let's talk about my family. I love my family. I want you to love my family. I want my family to love you. I want you to make love to my family! I want you to go golfing with my semi-retarded brother Travis. That would be so God damned cute!

Wow! I can't believe I ordered all this food! I have no intention of eating any of it. No thanks waiter, we don't need a box. Just throw it out.

Hey, I've got an idea, let's go to a bar and have an after dinner drink! It'll be great, it will be just like how we're drinking here, only it will be louder and we'll have to stand up. Come on!

See, isn't this better? Oh hey, what a coincidence. Look over there! It's a group of my friends that I knew was going to be here. Let's go over there so that they can judge you!

Hey, I have to go to the bathroom for a half an hour again for some reason. You can stay here and talk to my unbelievably hideous friend Christine! Christine's so ugly she scares kids! Talk to her! She has a job and a family that she wants to talk to you about too. Be right back.

I'm back! Sorry I was gone for three hours, there was a line. I want to go home now.

Well here we are at my door again. This was really fun for me and not you. You should pretend like we're going to do it again sometime! Maybe I'll see you at Target a few months from now and we can avoid eye contact because you never called me. Here, have this awkward goodnight kiss that's as empty as my soul. Good night!

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PostingID: 471580402

...™

Aw, for reallies? Darn. He seems so clever, emotionally mature, and — need I say? — fun to spend time with. I cannot imagine why he has had negative dating experiences. Sure, all women are the same, interchangeable person, and deep down, you know, weIshe get wet for hyper-entitled, two-dimensional narcissists. If he is looking for someone new to patronize who can really ruin his next trip to Target, oh please, Lord, let it be me.

Didn't I see you on YouLube singing "I'm Every Woman"?

That was Chaka Khan, but I am frequently mistaken for her.

Somewhat amusing

For when your regular smoke isn't strong enough.

That's almost tempting enough to make me start again.

Especially the "cigar icmek olurur" or sumthin' like that.

The following is a list of children's books that didn't quite make it to the printing press...

1. You Are Different and That's Bad
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3. Dad's New Wife Robert
4. Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share
5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
6. The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
7. Julie Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
9. All Cats Go to Hell
10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
11. Some Kittens Can Fly
12. That's it, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption
13. Grandpa Gets a Casket
14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
16. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
17. Strangers Have the Best Candy
18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
19. You Were an Accident
20. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
21. Pop! Goes The Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games
22. The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan
23. Your Nightmares Are Real
24. Mamma's on crack and I don't care
25. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
26. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
27. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
28. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry

Wow, fookin' realistic but fookin' rude too.
How old are the readers supposed to be?

Xit! I have forgotten what I wuz supposed to write.

Drunk at 2.17pm ?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fat_Thursday

look, a jew(f)ish aquarium.

i likes.

tits, does this look familiar to you?

He's already plowed.

you know, we do dat xit da whole damn year 'round.

a bucket of deep fried double salted chickenass wings lite™ twice a day, keeps the appetite away.

Tits driving to work.

When I drink I do not drive, and I never drive since I often drink. Including astigmatism as well.

Of coz. In sum areas ya can still see them. Żak Gallery AFAIK had always had good ideas.

Bugz after work or durin', doesn't really make any difference.

Who put the seed in?

sum overconcientoius man

Um, no.

He put it in over
some unconscious
man

The differents is I sleep better
when I'm getting paid fur it.
Damn it, I'm a professional.

No wonder yer poor.

Especially since I'm
overworked.

So, ya need a break, Buggy. Everyone of us needs one.

His is needed
in his neck.

Click to view attachment

After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.

Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of coded message: 370HSSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.

No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA. With no clue as to its meaning they eventually asked Britain's MI-6 for help.

Within a minute MI-6 cabled the White House with this reply "Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."

A Painful Case of Auto Eroticism

London

A tiny sports car leaves a lot to be desired as a
midnight trysting spot two secret lovers have learned.
Wedged into a two-seater, a near-naked man was
suddenly immobilized by a slipped disc, trapping his
woman companion beneath him, according to a doctor
writing in a medical journal here. The desperate woman
tried to summon help by honking the horn with her
foot. A doctor, ambulanceman, firemen and a group of
passers-by quickly surrounded the couple's car in
Regents Park. "The lady found herself trapped beneath
200 pounds of pain-racked, immobile man." said Dr.
Brian Richards. '"To free the couple, firemen had
to cut away the car frame," he added. The distraught
woman helped out of the car and into a coat, sobbed,
"How am I going to explain to my husband what has
happened to his car?"

Just say you
fucked up.

Explains how a 200 lb man gets laid (sort of).

How the fight started ....

I rear-ended a car this morning on the way to work.

There we were pulled over alongside the road and slowly the
other driver got out of his car and . . . you know how sometimes you
just get sooo stressed and then suddenly some little thing will strike
you as the funniest thing in the world?

Well I could NOT believe it . . . the guy was a DWARF! He stormed
back to my car, looked up at me, and said, "I AM NOT HAPPY!"

So I looked down at him and replied, "Well, which one are you
then?"

. . . . and that's when the fight started.

200 lb. dwarf?

"I'm not Happy."

I'm still laughing.

Was there an actual fight or was he just being short with you?

I'm sure it was no big thing.

Should I forward or not?

if it’s a habit to solve shit by means of violence,
it seems, that at least, you’re trying to cut down.

I outtah beat yer
ass for that.

i thought you was never gonna say that

You never offered
me enough.

Money.